Finding People and Finding Myself: A Lesson from Morgan

On The Walking Dead, one of my favorite characters is Morgan. He has gone through some deep transformations to try to keep himself going. Some very all or nothing ways of thinking and acting to deal with the loneliness and the harsh realities of what the apocalypse has taken from him.

In his clear phase, he thought he had to atone for his lack of courage by killing all of the zombies and even the other people in his path in order to rid the world of suffering that came with this plague. He thought that part of his punishment including living alone and watching all of the suffering.

Then he was taught a different way that was the other extreme: all life is precious. He tried to not kill any human even in self-defense. This extreme caused unexpected conflict with the very people he was trying to protect and those he loved, causing even more internal conflict and confusion.

Something Morgan said when he decided he needed to leave was that he loses people and then he loses himself. He clung to his Aikido and all life is precious because he was afraid of losing more people and of losing himself again.

As I thought about loneliness (from yesterday's post)  and I've been reading some books today about life and about happiness, I thought of Morgan. I believe that for me, when I find people, I lose myself. I need to find a way to find people and not lose myself.

Once you lose yourself, and focus on the needs and wants of other people or focus on the idea that other people and their reactions will somehow make you happy, then you become lost and lonely. Other people can't fill you and they can't be expected to.

It's an artificial high. And you need more and more to keep getting happy. There are always more zombies to clear. That doesn't mean I don't need people. I certainly do.  And they can make me happy to be around them. But I can't stop being happy when they aren't around.  I can't lose myself because I found them.

I think that's a lesson that has presented itself to me over and over and over in my life, and I'm finally understanding in a more profound way.  I can have friends that love me for who I am and love being around me when they are around me, but don't love me only for what I do for them or only in a one-sided way that I have to somehow keep afloat.

I can find people and find myself at the same time.