My word for 2018: Stomp!

STOMP!!

It's New Year's Resolution time. I just read a cool article on alternatives to resolutions. One idea was to choose a word for the year. Something to remind you of your focus. A word that can help you think about what's important to you.

That's so much deeper and more meaningful and less quantifiable. People usually say quantifying makes a goal better. but in some cases, it makes it a way to set yourself up for giving up. This is more interesting because it lets you just keep picking yourself up and moving toward your word. There's no failure.

My word came to me somehow as I went through words that were too fancy sounding or too narrow and didn't really mean anything to me that inspired me. STOMP! 

Stomp to me has nothing to do with being aggressive or pushy. It means I want to be confident. I want to get stronger. I want to keep stomping my fears.

I like the image of me doing my Bosu Burpees that I learned to do properly yesterday. I was doing them wrong before. I was jumping with my legs too close and too light on my toes, which was hurting my poor little shins. When I learned to jump with my feet apart and really stick it, nothing hurt and they became fun! Stomp!! 

I like the image of Snoopy stomping around with his straight arms. It's happy. Kirk Franklin holy ghost stomping is happy!! I want to happy stomp!! 

I want to confidently stomp on my own worries with a smile and not care what other people think. I want to do it in a very non-nonchalant way, not an aggressive way that brings that aggressive energy back to me. I want the happy, light, carefree energy. Stomping is carefree! 

Brooding, assuming, over-thinking, worrying, pacifying, pleasing, second-guessing, explaining, defending, giving up, giving away, those are all careful and not carefree.

If you let aggression out, not out on other people, just out, sometimes what seems aggressive is actually very healthy and easy and allows you to let go of of all of those things instead of letting that aggression turn inward. Letting your muscles store it. 

So I'm going to Stomp in 2018. I'm going to get stronger, more confident, happier, and more honest! 

Walking tall!

I am walking tall into 2018. Literally and figuratively. No more Snoopy vulture posture for me. I am walking tall and proud. I am learning to love myself in ways that truly allow me to stand tall and shed more than pounds.

On the very first day I met Khris, he talked about how he would work with me in training in ways that would help me from the top down. He talked about the bump on the back of my neck and how my head would eventually come up and sit on top of my spine instead of so forward. I remember being intrigued by that. He didn't talk about losing weight, he talked about my head on top of my spine.

He hasn't mentioned that since the first day, but whenever he does talk about our training, he never mentions weight. He says I'm getting stronger or he tells me I'm working hard.

Today when I was putting lotion on myself, I just happened to glance in the mirror and I noticed that the hump on my neck seemed like it wasn't as pronounced. I didn't know if I was imagining it or not.

I asked Khris what he thought when I got to the gym. He said it was definitely bigger when I first came. He said it was the rows and other things he's been having me work on. He said my posture is way different. I'm more confident. I'm stronger. I hold myself different.

I really thought that hump was something biological. I thought it was skeletal. Apparently, I can work on it. I can help make my head move back on my spine and my chest move forward and stand taller. I know I carry my stress in my shoulder blades. I have knots there that have spasmed before. Massage therapists have commented about my cement muscles and my knots. I know my sensitivity is housed in my muscles.

That's the biggest surprise of my training. Not that I'm getting in shape. But that I'm digging into muscle and releasing pain and stress and whatever else is hiding in there and it's a fibromyalgia miracle treatment.

So I am walking taller now. But I am walking taller figuratively, too. This year, right in the nick of time, my life coach helped me learn that I really can be myself and not worry about what other people think or say.

It's easy to know that intellectually, but to really believe it and live it isn't always as easy. For some reason, people seem to always tell me that I should try to back off a little and not show my big heart to people for fear that it may scare them off or it may be too much for them.

If I have to back off in order for you to like me, then you are not worth liking. If you want me to back off, then I don't want you to like me anyway. If you like me, then you get my big heart. You get me. I accept all of you. You should accept all of me. Or I'll back way off.

I'm walking tall. Can you dig it?

Closing out 2017

2017 was a year filled with surprises. I usually hate surprises. I mean hate surprises. Though I generally think of surprises as things that are sprung on me that I have no control over that cause a lot of spotlight on me. These things were maybe more unexpected cool things that just happened or decisions I made that I didn't see coming. And I definitely did not hate them!

I started the year decluttering my closets and getting rid of things and focusing on the present moment.

Surprise. My apartment building decided to renovate and raise prices and kick people out. I found that out from a neighbor.

Surprise. My brother decided to buy a condo for me and renovate it and rent it out to me. He bought it in March and it would be renovated and ready by July when my lease would be up.

Surprise. In March I decided to lose weight. It actually worked. I started losing about 2 pounds a week. I found a great yoga studio that I have been able to go back to time and time again because I always need yoga to be grounded. Yoga is so important and I always need to return to it. It's a great studio. I went in April a little and I'm going back again now once a week. They also have cool gong meditations from time to time.

Surprise. Season 7 of The Walking Dead ended and, after 2 years of really being engrossed in it, I decided to end my time writing for Undead Walking and running their Twitter and really focus on myself and my move and my body.

By the time my apartment was ready I had very little to move that I didn't need or love. I absolutely adore my new place. I feel like a princess here! A tomboy, casual princess, but you get the idea!  It's so uncluttered and clear and clean and bright and happy.

Surprise. August. I decided I was ready to move my body more and do some yoga and workout a little. I met Khris, my personal trainer and life coach. Biggest surprise ever!! I gained a genuine friend and soul connection, which I don't do very easily or often, and my pain almost disappeared. I work hard and rest hard and I feel more connected to life than I have in years.

Surprise. I learned all sorts of valuable lessons all through the year during all of these times I've spent with my family and friends and by myself.

Going into 2018, I expect to continue to get stronger and, hopefully, lose some more weight. I expect to gain a little more energy as I focus on living in the present. Other than that, I plan to be open to more unexpected gifts and lessons.

Slow Down There, Nelly!!

I just scrolled by this meme and it was just what I needed! It's coming on the New Year, which is the time when everyone makes big promises to themselves and has big ideas. During class today, Mike even mentioned how we were starting the New Year early and many of the people that would be in the gym soon would probably be gone by March.

It's fun to reflect and make new plans, and I've been feeling like it's time to get things going again because somehow I've been feeling fat again. I know it's just a visual thing and something I see in the mirror when I'm at the gym or at yoga and I see my body in motion and I see other gym and yoga bodies.

I'm realistic and I'm not depressed or discouraged. I just see that I have lots of room to keep going. I know I can get a lot stronger and build more endurance. I know I can keep helping my pain. But the excitement of the difference of what I looked like at 250 pounds and 200 pounds is giving way to wanting to be even more fit and less fat.

But I can't rush things. They will happen with the process that works. They won't happen by trying to starve myself or trying to workout like a maniac. It will take consistency and continuing to do all the things I've been doing. I can add things and grow, but I can't force. I can't be afraid of being a beginner. I'm still a beginner. I still have limitations. It hasn't even been a year yet and I've only been training for 5 months.

New Year, New Ideas

It's time to review and finish the year strong and move to the next phase of new year, new me. I kept saying new year, new me last year, taking the cliche and just using it to my advantage. The year of Suz! I make every year the year of Suz, but this year was really more than just words. After some really tough years, it was a pretty amazing turn around in a lot of ways. I'm always positive and happy even in tough times, but this year I was able to make some very real changes in trajectory.

So as I once again get ready for new year, new me and to proclaim it the year of Suz, it's time to step it up. Take it to the next level. Next level shit. I have realized that as much as I have lost, I still have a lot more to lose. I'm where I used to be a long time ago when I used to be unhappy with my weight and wanted to lose. This used to be a high weight for me. It's a great weight compared to 50 pounds ago, but it would be awesome to keep going.

When I'm in yoga class now, I feel huge improvements in my movement and my stamina and my strength, but when I look in the mirror, it's a weird thing. I look way smaller than I used to look when I did yoga, but I look fat compared to how I feel when I look at myself in my jeans and sweatshirts at home.

When I'm training, I feel like I'm doing way more than I did when I started training in August, but then I do new things and I feel like Oliver in St. Vincent as he tried to do his pull ups and sit ups in his gym class and couldn't do anything. Or as his little arm punched the bag in the garage with Bill Murrray.

I am adding a circuit class on Fridays and a yoga class on Wednesdays. That's a good upgrade. I think I need to add some cardio somewhere. I wish there was a cardio class I liked. I might go to the mall in the morning like my brother does when he's in town and do a mall walk once or twice a week. That's something I have to figure out. Maybe even an outdoor walk. I can layer up! I can't see me doing Zumba. I love to dance, but that's just weird.

P.S. I just decided I might add spinning classes at the gym once or twice a week. I need to buy some padded leggings!!! Shopping!

More Stuff From Mr. Smarty Pants

Change your mindset. Mr. Smarty Pants always posts that. Khris was on a talk show today and they were talking about eating and the host used the word cheating when talking about his diet. Khris said that cheating is the wrong way to think about it.

I was happy to hear that. Ever since I started changing my eating habits in March, I haven't once thought that I was "bad" or "cheating" if I didn't follow my exact diet or if I didn't lose weight in a particular week. I went a few times where 4 weeks went by without losing a pound, but I just kept going and doing what I was doing.

Last weekend when I ate those fries and chips with my dinner, I didn't once think I was cheating or that I ruined anything. I just thought, I'm eating some fries with my French Dip or I'm eating some chips with my turkey sandwich. I picked out the best fries and chips on the plate and ate them.

I didn't equivocate and tell myself I deserved it after all the weight I've lost. I didn't feel guilty and I didn't feel entitled. I just made a choice. I didn't make a deal with myself to do better tomorrow or start over next week or work them off on the bike. I just did it and that was that.

I think you get in trouble when you start attaching too much emotion to your eating in good ways or bad ways. It's too dramatic to think of it as being good or bad. It's just eating. It doesn't make you a good person or a bad person. You don't deserve a drink or a dessert. And you aren't depriving yourself of anything if you make choices not to have things. You're choosing not to have them because you like the way your body feels and performs when you don't eat them.

Khris also said something else that I liked. He said that the host should think that he ate steak because he "wanted" it. I like that idea. It's less dramatic than all those excuses like...I worked hard today or I had a bad day at work or heck with my diet, it's my Birthday, I'm going crazy. You don't have to be so all or nothing. You can just have something because you want it and still not say, well as long as I'm eating bad, I might as well eat really bad and order dessert and eat everything in sight.

I did that on my birthday and on Thanksgiving. I wanted chicken marsala from Armand's on my birthday and I ordered it. I ordered it and I ate it. It was delicious. I didn't order dessert. I didn't really need it or want it, but I wanted that chicken marsala!

On Thanksgiving I wanted the turkey and dressing and mashed potatoes and gravy. I didn't eat the rolls because even though they are good, I didn't need the bread and butter and I didn't really want them all that much. But I wanted the dressing and mashed potatoes and turkey. I also ate green beans and I ate slowly and enjoyed everything.

Then the next day, I went back to my workout and my normal eating.

Change your mindset. I'm ready for the next big burst of big change. I was happy with where I am and I still am, but I'm getting restless now with where I am. I want more change. I'm ready for more. I've settled into this weight. I appreciate how far I've come. But now I really see, I have a long way to go. I hope my body allows it. My mind is ready. I'm over Christmas. Bring on 2018.

My Trainer Thinks He's So Smart!

It's the holidays and also I've been overloaded from taking care of my uncle after his spectacular fall at his house. I'm not one of those people who thrives on stress and keeping a hectic schedule. I like a nice easy pace and I love my time alone to recharge.

But I refuse to give up my training time now. My training session today was very fun as usual, but I had to really work and I was sweating and pushing.

Of course, my smarty pants trainer notices and figures out everything and knew that I haven't been eating right and that's why my body wasn't able to give what it normally could.

I wanted to blame him for working me too hard, but that can be our little secret. Of course, he was right. It is the holidays and my brother and my nephew are in town and I've been eating different stuff than normal.

I've tried to order well, but I haven't had fries or chips since March and I had fries and chips in the last 3 days with my otherwise smartly ordered choices.

Usually I just don't order the fries or the chips, but they came with the meals. I should have said, don't bring them!!!

I've been doing great as far as sugar goes. I stay away from desserts and cookies and candy, but I need to stay away from salty chips and fries and cheese and things that make me tired and make me have pain and add pounds.

It's funny how it's the small things that make the big difference with so many things in life. It's not the big choices, it's the small choices over time. But it's also those little lessons that we learn. So thanks to Mr. Smarty Pants, I learned a good lesson before the New Year!! Happy New Year!