The Paradox of Loneliness

I've been feeling lonely for the last few weeks at times. I had a little lesson on the mat today during restorative yoga.

I know that yoga is about being in the moment and focusing on the breath. But being in the present in daily life has been something that has helped me so much in the last year and a half.

I think that I must have slipped a little in that focus on the present. I think that thinking too much about other people and maybe the future or things outside of my control can bring about that feeling of loneliness.

I spend a lot of time alone. I actually like being alone. That's not what makes me lonely. It's the thoughts that make me lonely. Things I wonder about. I wonder a lot. I wonder why people react to me the way they do. I wonder why people don't include me more.

I wonder why I am the way I am. It's tricky to want to be included and yet like to be alone. I wonder about how things will be in the future.  But as soon as I put myself in the future too much, when I wonder too much, I get into trouble.

When I am in yoga, I'm not lonely. Today when I was washing my workout clothes, I was not lonely. When I was cleaning my kitchen, I was not lonely. I was not lonely when I was taking my shower. I enjoyed watching some old episodes of The Walking Dead on the marathon and talking to people on Twitter.

I realized that I have to focus on myself to not be lonely. You'd think I'd have to find other people to not be lonely. But when I focus on other people, it's like being at yoga and watching everyone else's mat. That would be a horrible practice.

The more inward you go in yoga, the more at peace you become. The more you look outside yourself, the more insecure and anxious you become. Stay on your own mat! I need to stay on my own mat outside of class, too.

That doesn't mean I don't want to have friends and share things. It means when I think that looking to friends and sharing things is what is going to make me happy, I will lose my peace.

I need to go inward to become less lonely. Going inward can allow me to be present enough and available enough to go outward already happy and not lonely instead of  searching to become happy and not lonely.