Revisiting The Anti-Goal: Next Level Shit

Back in January, I wrote a post called Process: The Anti-Goal. There are times when having a specific goal can be helpful and appropriate. But there are times when the goal can be just the process itself and having a specific goal can just get in the way. It can cause frustration and stress instead of being motivating.

I am at the one year mark after deciding to lose weight and change things in my life. The number is so irrelevant as far as a goal, but it seems like what people want to know. They always ask how much did you want to lose? Even now when I say I've lost 65 pounds, my mom asks what's your goal now? How much more do you want to lose?

I honestly say, I have no idea. I just know I'm happy where I am, but I still want to continue to lose and keep working out and getting stronger. I really don't care about a number. I'd like to lose some of the weight on my triceps area and some of my stomach area. But even that isn't a "goal" that I'm obsessed about.

When I first started, I wrote down my weight every morning. I wrote down the calories of everything I ate every day. I don't do either of those things anymore.

Because I took things slowly and I was patient, I am not worried that not writing things down is slipping. Not writing things down is because I know I have developed good habits that will serve me and I make better choices automatically without having to force myself to make them. #nextlevelshit

My goal is what the motivational posters always say...it's not a diet, it's a lifestyle. If I eat good things, it's because that's part of my lifestyle. If I take a walk or workout or do something active, it's because it's part of my lifestyle. I am not doing things because they are part of a goal or a checklist to get to a finish line. This is just my lifestyle.

Action Anniversary

I'm not really big on anniversaries, birthdays, graduations or ceremonies, rites of passage in general. I know they are cool things that cultures have, they just aren't me. I don't make big deals of them. I'm not going to make a big deal of this one either.  I am going to think about it a little bit though. It was a year ago that I decided to do something about my weight. I only know about it because it was the first date I wrote in my log. I don't even keep that log anymore. I don't need it.

Khris often talks about actions and reactions. It was the day I took action. Actions have reactions. I'm not going to use science here, I'm going to use behavior. We react and have responses and there are natural reactions and consequences. When we take action there are reactions or results we hope for and anticipate and there are results and consequences that come as complete surprises.

You see we don't anticipate all the variables. We can't. And the results lead to new actions that lead to more results that lead to more actions that we never even dreamed of. At least that's what happened to me this last year.

Looking back, it's hard for me to even remember the emotional place I was in at this time last year when I made that decision. I was trying to do something to make my life better, but it was all about weight. I was afraid if I didn't do something I was going to get bigger and bigger. It was about weight and maybe enjoying my life a little more.

I was focused. I was determined. And I knew I was going to be successful at the losing weight part even if it was just modestly. I knew it was going to take time. I wasn't sure if my body would even do it, but I was going to give it an honest effort. I didn't want to be skinny. I just wanted to lose some weight. I wasn't going to think about how much or worry about results until at least summer and then Christmas.

It was going pretty well. By summer, I was feeling a bit happier and I was excited about my move to my new place and I was ready for something to come next after stopping my work with Undead Walking. I was ready to do some light fun exercise again and get back to yoga.

But I was still in pain and exhausted with whatever is the beast of Fibromyalgia. I had lost 40 pounds and I was really happy about that. But I was nowhere near in the happy type of space that I find myself in today.

Finding my trainer and starting the fitness road was something I never saw coming.  That action, that decision that day in August had a huge reaction or consequence. I didn't think I'd be able to exercise like this ever again. That action led to bigger and bigger actions, which led me to where I am today. Actions that are about so much more than weight.

I am happy with losing more weight. I have lost about 25 more pounds since then, but I am happier in a different way about those 25 pounds than the first 40. My body has changed more with those 25 pounds. My diet has changed more with those 25 pounds. My pain has almost disappeared with those 25 pounds. My energy and my joy has returned with the loss of those 25 pounds.

It really is true that a year from now you will be happy that you started now. I am so happy I started a year ago. Now you are full of hopes and wondering and perhaps depression or desperation or any number of emotions, and any action can lead to more action that lead to places you never imagined. My goals for this year are so different from last year's.

Dead Bug!

Today in my training I broke through the pain and emotional agony of whatever was happening to me by turning into a dead bug. Khris doesn't realize how yoga he is in his philosophy and training without actually doing yoga. In yoga we see how still and calm we can be within the stress and strength of a pose.

For some reason today I got to a point in the workout where it was just tough. I have had some other stress going on that I'm sure I have internalized and the workout was letting it out. I think Khris saw it and he gave me some basic situps and leglifts. I was having a hard time with the leglifts and actually making noise with them. I almost started to cry and I put my elbow over my face.

I'm not sure if Khris saw that or not because there were other people working out in our area today and I didn't look to see. I wasn't giving up. He asked me if I knew what a dead bug looked like. I put my arms up in the air and my legs up in the air. I told him he was just trying to distract me from crying. He said, no, you're going to cry doing this!

So I kept my arms straight up in the air and my legs straight up in the air and he told me to keep them there until I couldn't hold them there any longer. Well, you can't cry when you're a dead bug. You're too busy being a dead bug. You have to put every bit of mental and physical and emotional energy you have into staying completely still and holding those arms and legs straight. He waited until he saw my legs start to shake.

They started to shake. Then shake more violently. Then they started to bend at the knee. Then they started to fall slightly toward the ground and he walked up behind me to hold them up. Then he finally let them go.

He helped me up and we moved on to some other things. Time was probably over, but Khris spent extra time with me today. I did some new things and he had me try some really challenging new things. He had me try these challenging new things AFTER I was a dead bug.

I died and came back to life! I pushed through! I didn't push through by continuing to move. I didn't push through by taking a break. I pushed through by being still and being strong at the same time. Yoga should have a pose called Dead Bug!

No, New York Times, Yoga Pants Are Not Bad for Women

Oh, why are women so hard on each other? A New York Times article today talked about how yoga pants are bad for women because of some crazy thing about how we're not wearing them to be cooler or more comfortable, we are wearing them to be sexy and it's just another place in our lives where we're to be pressured to be sexy.

She claims that sweatpants are cooler and more comfortable and that she gets looks from other women when she wears her sweatpants.

First of all, I really doubt that she gets looks for wearing sweatpants. Secondly, I imagine some women wear leggings and yoga pants because they want to look sexy in their exercise clothes, but I disagree that sweatpants are cooler and more comfortable than yoga pants. The fleece inside of sweatpants is HOT! And I sweat. A lot!

Yoga pants and leggings are extremely comfortable. And they absorb the sweat as I work out. The sweat doesn't drip down my legs with the sweatpants fabric flapping around loosely.

When I'm actually doing yoga. The yoga pants are actually helpful in checking the mirrors for how my poses look. And even though I would prefer to wear looser shirts, I wear tighter shirts or I tuck in my shirt at yoga because when I am in downward facing dog, a looser shirt falls down onto my chin and I can't see what I'm doing.

I agree that the prices of some of the yoga pants are outrageous, but I think that any hobby or sport has its levels of gear and accessories that go with it depending on how into it the practitioners become.

So if you want to wear a sweatshirt and sweatpants on the treadmill, I don't think anyone cares. If you are like me and want to wear inexpensive, plain yoga pants and leggings with inexpensive graphic tee shirts, I'm pretty sure nobody cares.

And there are the gym girls who wear the really cute leggings and sports bras and I sure don't care. I don't think any of the options are bad for women.

Sore vs Pain

On my Facebook memories for today I was reminded about my trip to Atlanta 2 years ago to attend the mid-season premiere viewing party with some of my zombie friends at an Atlanta bar. It was a fun trip. I flew in on a Saturday and met my friend Tracey to see some Walking Dead locations and we hung out at the cool goat farm art coffee house where they filmed some of The Hunger Games.

Then Sunday I slept in and had room service and took a shower before I ubered to the bar and met my friends for some Walking Dead trivia and watched the fantastic episode. The next day I flew home. Here are some of the things my Facebook memories had to say:

Travel is good for you! It's good for your mind and your spirit. Just being in a different place and seeing different things. Being away from your normal life. It's just good for you.

Wow! Fibro is a bitch. I am sitting crying in pain and exhaustion just from standing and going thriugh the security line and it's taking 10 minutes to get my shoes back on and get up to catch the train to the gate. I'm so glad I pushed myself to come here. It was so much fun. I'm 51 and feel 101. And I look exhausted with 10 chins in my pictures. But that's who I am now. Off I go...to the gate! My luggage is cute!!

I had forgotten how much pain I was in on the way home until I read that again. I remember now sitting on a bench putting my shoes on after going through the security check and feeling like I had to learn how to accept that I was a person who had to live with chronic pain now. I remember crying in pain and a depression of sorts trying to make sense of it.

Now things are so much different. I just don't feel the same pain anymore. It's only been about 6 months of this change-of-pain living. I have pain sensations in my body at different times, but I don't have chronic, persistent, unrelenting pain anymore. This is a huge distinction. It's the unrelenting nature that changes you.

When my trainer mentions that I might be sore, it's interesting to me. I suppose I do get sore occassionally. But maybe because of my history with pain, I just don't care. Sore is easy to handle. Sore you notice when you sit down or when you walk or when you turn a certain way. It isn't present constantly. Sore you know is temporary. Sore doesn't affect your emotions. Sore leads to something good. I just don't mind sore.

I'm still amazed that my pain has gone somewhere. I am so grateful that it has. I so enjoy working out and using my muscles and getting stronger and having fun doing interesting things. The tomboy in me is having a blast. And I am grateful to have a place to go and a friendly face to see there. To feel 41 or 31 instead of 101 now. I don't have to teach myself to accept a life of chronic pain anymore. I don't have to make sense of that. I don't care if I can't make sense of how the pain went away. I'm just glad it went!

My Trainer Was Smirking Today

My trainer was smirking today when I was doing some regular push ups. Not knee push ups, but regular push ups. They were not very low push ups. I just lowered myself a tiny bit, but I did them. I had to do the last 2 of the 12 after a little rest, but I did them. I don't know why he was smirking, but he was smirking.

I always tell him he can smile. I wonder sometimes what he is like with his other clients who have different personalities than I have.

I have an unusual gym personality. I don't say a lot about the actual exercises we're doing. I talk sometimes, but I I don't ask how I'm doing or I don't comment about if things are hard or easy or ask if I'm doing okay.

And he doesn't do a lot of commenting either. He will say one or two words or use a nod or a gesture to let me know I'm on the right track. Or he'll let me know playfully if I need to do something over because it was weak or ugly.

He is just the right style for me. He doesn't yell or push in mean ways and he doesn't over compliment or over encourage, both of which can be too distracting, fake, dramatic and embarassing.

He's very minimalist, observant and attentive. He likes to break down little bits of information and model things so I can see and feel how the tiny shifts are important, which is very helpful.

I was thinking back on when I first started and I wanted to make sure he knew I couldn't jump or do anything high impact and I had limitations because of my Fibromyalgia. Now that I know him, I think that he knew then that he would trick me into moving past those limitations. Now I am doing jump squats and burpees and have moved from knee push ups to regular push ups. And he is smirking.

I like getting to the reps that are so hard that I can't do them and have to really struggle and he has to add his finger and help me or he has to tell me to stop and then I wait a minute and do the last few after a tiny break. I like that. I like that feeling. I like falling because I haven't done something and I don't know how it feels yet. I like doing ball throws against the wall the second time when I have the hang of it a little better and can make one of the 5 throws really crash against the wall.

I like that when I did my burpees today, when I jumped back I landed steady on the floor and when I jumped forward I landed flat on my feet instead of on my toes. I like that I was smirking in my head the whole time I was doing those burpees because I knew that they were so much better and smoother and more solid than they had ever been before.

I hope I can get my trainer to smirk again soon!

I've Had Mentors, but Now I Have a Coach

Maybe the reason I am so enamored with my personal trainer and my training is because I've never had a coach before. A really good coach. I've had mentors and role models, but never a coach.

I was a pretty athletic kid, but not athletic enough to be on teams. I was a medium tomboy. I loved hanging out with the boys in the neighborhood and playing sports in the street and yard, but I never made the teams in school.

I swam on the swim team in the neighborhood when I was little, but I had no stamina. As soon as you had to go to there and back, I was out. So my swim ribbons were over at the age of 10.

I played softball in the summers, but never made the school team. I made pom poms or cheerleeding in grade school and Jr. high, but not in high school, because I couldn't do the splits or round-offs. In 7th grade I ran a 220 in gym class in like 38 seconds or something and the teacher asked me to join track. Well, we had to jog miles for practice. I can't jog miles, I run sprints. I lasted a day on the track team.

At home my brothers would tell me they would teach me how to do layups because I just never understood the rhythm of them. They got as far as watching me do one and then they would fall out on the grass laughing at me.

My dad coached me by yelling at me not to hold the mitt in front of my face when he saw me playing catch with my brothers when he got home from work. Because I would get my teeth knocked out catching that way. He did, however, teach me to throw a spiral with a football and I can still throw a mean spiral!!

I did have a good experience in college with intramural football. I was the quarterback of a good team and we had volunteer coaches. We won some tournaments and had tons of fun.

Anyway, as I was training today and watching some of the other people training, I realized that really like having a coach. I love having someone push me just a little bit. I love having someone believe in me and want me to do well.

There is just something a little extra in having someone pick out exercises that are more challenging for you. It's more satisfying to do them and have to push myself and even have to have him say, c'mon, c'mon, and even help a little or even completely having to stop and do the last 2 after a breath than to just do something easier.

I have such a pride in never complaining.  I say I'm sorry if I have to stop or if I do an ugly rep or something, but I refuse to say I am not going to try something. And some days, like today, when I get to the locker room, tears just come out in joy and appreciation and release of every emotion.

I want to make my coach proud. I appreciate having the best coach on the planet. I understand what it is to have a great coach now.