I'm so fluffy I'm gonna die!

I found out I'm a unicorn!! I've never been fond of unicorns in posters and things;  they're a little too fantasy looking for me, but I love the metaphor now. My trainer told me that about once a year he gets a unicorn and, yep, you guessed it!!

He said as a trainer, sometimes you will get a person that just gets it. Who comes in and is serious. Who has pushed away all the smoke in front of them and is ready. And other people wonder why they don't get the same magic. He said that as the coach he wants that for everyone, but the coach can't want it more than the player. 

It made me think of the 85 Bears. It was just magic. I remember when they made the Super Bowl Shuffle. People thought it was cocky. It wasn't cocky. They just knew. I feel the same way. I just know. 

The Super Bowl Shuffle from John Wholespice on Vimeo.

On the topic of getting it. I had the funniest experience today during my workout. I was doing my sit-ups and during the second round, I was having a hard time. He had told me not to just lay there if I was having a hard time. I finally get what he means now. I always thought it was bad if you didn't do all your reps in one "go". He said, get up, walk around and come back. He means every time! If it takes 2 or 3 times to get my 15 in, then so be it. He said-you ever see those guys in the gym stomping around and then they go back and do the last ones...

So I got up and stomped around! hahaha! He said, Yes! and waited and looked around casually. I know he was trying not to laugh! And then I did one and couldn't do another. Damn! So I got up and walked around a little bit while he waited. Then I knocked out the last 5. #winning  Then we went on to do some other stuff. #gymlife

So, today I found out I'm a unicorn and Otis Wilson! Not a bad morning.

Energy: Tortoise and hare strikes again!

Since I started training, I've noticed huge changes in my pain levels, but I thought my energy levels hadn't changed much. I'm starting to realize that they have. When I changed my diet in March and decided to make changes in general to focus on myself and downsize, etc. in January, I kept reminding myself about the tortoise and the hare.

I tend to be an all or nothing person and when things are really bad, I usually go for nothing and then bad gets worse. I've tried to push myself into making small changes and doing things a little at a time over longer periods of time to accommodate my condition, which has really helped me accomplish more.

It can be daunting and depressing at times when you don't see anything happening, but eventually, you see that dent or light at the end of the tunnel and it propels you. For example, when I cleaned out my closets in January, I took everything out and told myself if it took me a month to deal with it, so be it. And it took about a month of doing a little bit each day (and even some days of doing nothing) and climbing over piles of stuff, but I did it. And it was worth it. I got rid of so much stuff!!

Moving in July wore me out. But I love my new and so incredibly minimal new place! It allows me to focus on life and not worry about clutter.

Now that I'm working out and my pain has decreased, and I have less clutter in every way, I am starting to see comparisons in my energy....yes, back to that. I used to shop on qvc.com for many reasons. First of all, it was the only place I could find when I was in bigger sizes that had clothes that I didn't hate that fit me. When I went to Kohl's or other stores, the clothes were hideous and they just didn't fit. They were too short or wide or clingy. It was very depressing. At least QVC had plain clothes that fit me.

The other big advantage became shopping on the computer and things were delivered to my door. Now I actually go out shopping more. I am seeing how much I used to rely on online shopping because I was too tired to go out to the stores. Now I even go to stores again just to browse and have fun. Even before I could start getting clothes in smaller sizes, just recently, I started to go and hang out at the mall more often just to have something to do. I used to do that a long time ago with Target or Walmart--just wander around for fun.

Even though I still take naps a lot in the afternoons, I am realizing that I used to go out to the grocery store and have to come home and just lay down on the couch because I was so tired and I had to get my feet off the ground. I don't have to do that anymore. I sit more on my chairs and my couch. I can cross my legs.

I take a shower now several times a week as opposed to once a week. Once a week used to wear me out for at least a day after the shower. My arms used to hurt just to lift them up to wash my hair. My body (my skin, bones, and muscles) used to hurt to have me rub the soap on it.

There were times when I'd lean against the shower wall and cry before I got out. I used to have to rest when I got out of the shower before drying my hair and putting on makeup. Then I had to rest before putting on clothes. Then I had to rest after putting on clothes. Now I can do all those things without resting in between. I still think shower days wear me out a little, but that's a big improvement.

I clean things in my house spontaneously. I will clean a bathroom floor just because I see my hair on the floor. I make my bed every day. I empty the dishwasher as soon as it's finished running. I never have dishes in the sink anymore. I take out the garbage. I don't leave things on the tables like I used to. It's not because I've become a neat freak. I realize I have just smaller bits of energy to do things when I'm supposed to rather than letting things pile up because of the complete depletion of energy that I used to suffer from consistently.

All of this just dawned on me yesterday when I got my hair colored and cut. Usually by the time I get to the part where she rinses out my hair after we've talked a bit and I have to wait the processing time, I'm so relaxed and exhausted, I'm practically catatonic at the sink. She's always used to my extreme drop in energy from the time I walk in to the time when she gets to the haircut part.

Yesterday, I was wide awake at the sink. It was still relaxing and felt great to have her wash my hair, but I wasn't limping to the sink and I didn't have difficulty getting up after sitting for 30 minutes. It was such a noticeable difference doing an activity I was used to doing routinely every month or so.

It made me examine my energy levels in a new way. I have to stop saying my energy levels haven't improved-they have! For me, this is a ball of energy!!

Next week I'm going with my friend to her house in Michigan for a little weekend. I'm looking forward to seeing how that has changed. A long time ago we used to hike and go shopping in the little towns. More recently, I couldn't hike and my back would break just shopping in the little towns. I'm hoping to hike and hang out and talk and have a blast for a few days!

The Walking Dead, Chronic Pain and Sharing Stories

When I ran the Twitter account for Undead Walking, I noticed that quite a few The Walking Dead fans were chronic pain sufferers of some sort. I wondered there was something about the show that spoke to us or if it was just a coincidence the way you notice things like the people that drive the same car as you.

Anyway, as the Twitter person for Undead, I shared things more readily than I might in my normal life, because it's part of building a community. People want to connect with you. I was used to this from my work as a teacher. The kids want to connect to you in a personal way through the subject.

It's not that you open up inappropriately or overly focus on yourself; kids make fun of those teachers who go on tangents constantly about their kids and their own lives. But you have to allow your personality to show through and involve them and let them see you as a person.

Most of my Twitter life involves people I met because of The Walking Dead. But we talk about other things at times, too. When I started my personal blog about my life changes and personal fitness journey, I did it for myself. I didn't set out to write at any certain times. I just write a post when I think of a topic that has been bouncing around in my head and I think it has enough to it to devote a few paragraphs.

I never intended to share it on my Twitter. I write them for myself. But I did share them on Twitter. I don't know how many people read them and I don't care if people scroll by and don't read them. But I'm truly surprised and touched by the handful of people who have messaged me or Tweeted me about their own stories because of my blog and thanked me or asked me questions.

There are people who have chronic pain that don't want other Twitter people to know. There are people who are just out there losing weight and don't share it on Twitter but have been sharing it with me through messages. And there are people with pain who are just happy that they feel like they can talk about it a little, too and not feel like they have to keep it to themselves all the time because they know I mention it.

Chronic pain sufferers are often seen as complainers and whiners. I never want to be seen as a whiner, but I don't want to hide, either.

My trainer has done something amazing for me in just these last few months and I hope to work with him and be his friend for a long time to come. Maybe in my own small way, I can do something for some people by sharing my stories.

Embracing the irony and paradox of change in life

When people talk about life changing in a split second, we often think of things like natural disasters or sickness that changes our lives by throwing a wrench into our daily routines or our plans for the future. But life can change course quickly in positive directions, too. Sometimes in unexpected ways and sometimes from a choice we make. And sometimes life can throw disasters at us that we turn into positive experiences depending on our perspective and decisions.

The past few years have included a lot of change for me. The paradox is that many changes start with a split second change, but the effect of the change lasts a long time and changes the entire trajectory of the next phase of life.

Retiring from teaching was a pretty abrupt and unexpected event, after which, I sold my townhouse and moved to Lombard to enjoy a new life closer to my family and more carefree apartment life. That was tough on me physically.

Then I got embroiled in writing and Tweeting with Undead Walking. I met lots of people and I got to keep very busy in my transition into retirement.

I wish I could remember what I was thinking on the day I decided that it was time for me to lose some weight and be serious about it. But I remember knowing that it was a decision that was going to change the direction of my life. I was serious. I didn't know if my body was going to respond to my decision, but I was not playing. I wasn't in denial or making excuses in my mind any more. I was not going to accept it anymore. I wasn't ashamed of myself, but I was not comfortable in that body. And it was getting bigger.

I'd been plugging along slowly but surely and doing well and enjoying the process; but all of a sudden in the last week, I reached a point where I'm becoming comfortable in this new body even though it's a different shape and size. It's like my brain just caught up with my body.

I don't know what this means for the next phase of my work in training moving forward. I just know I'm having so much fun working out. I love the hell out of my trainer. I know that the winter isn't going to be the same struggle this year that it usually is. And I'm happier than I've been in a long time.

So I look forward to whatever monkey wrenches come up next; hopefully they will turn into cool unexpected things. And I hope to make more decisions that will lead to a better and better future.

Today's Training: Ruby Slippers

After my latest homework assignment, my trainer told me I was in my own prison, and I was right at the door to figuring out how to get out, but he wasn't going to tell me how. Through our workout and talking, I figured some things out. My sneakers turned into ruby slippers as I had the answers all along. I just needed to click my heels 3 times.

People toss around the term letting go very cavalierly, but letting go is is not as easy as just opening your fist and allowing something to drop out of it. It is one of the most important things we must learn to do in life though. And one of the most beautiful.

This has been a year of letting go for me in so many ways. I let go of my job with Undead Walking to focus more on myself. I'm letting go of my old eating habits and attachments to food as fun and love. I've let go of extra weight in more ways than one. I let go of old clothes and clutter and moved into a new apartment.

I'm letting go of emotions and pain that have been stored in my body and muscles for a long time and I didn't even know it.

The nicest thing that Khris has told me through this interesting process of wants and needs and friends, etc. has been that I'm enough! Most people tell me to get out and meet people and do more as if I need to compromise somehow. The way Khris talks to me is different.

Khris is my Glinda! He's always there for me. He watches over me.  He told me:  you have everything you need in you. You provide all your needs all by yourself. You don't need anyone else. So who cares if someone rejects you or doesn't provide what you want. Next. You know you are your own best friend already. You can go out and just experiment and try new things and have no fear because you know you are already the greatest thing that you need!

That makes it a lot easier for me to open my fist and let go! He's right! It's time for me to click my heels! I've been walking around in those ruby slippers long enough. I can walk right out of the prison cell. The door has been unlocked the whole time.

Today's Training: No more baggy clothes, support and some lists

I told my trainer today that I've hit 50 pounds down. He was nonchalant as always and said great and asked me what I was looking to lose. I said maybe 20-25 more. He repeated the number almost making me feel like it was too much--He's always so real. I told him that the number isn't that important, I just wanted to lose a little more of my stomach and my flabby triceps. He told me that was diet and it would happen in time.

He did tell me that I had changed so much since the day I walked in and met him. That surprised me because I've only lost 10 pounds since I met him. I hit a month long plateau during the time I've been training.

He said he noticed it today though especially. I said that's because I'm not wearing my old clothes. I'm wearing too small clothes that I got for the future. He said, "NO, you're wearing clothes that fit. I'm gonna call you out on that from now on. No more baggy clothes!"

I'm not used to wearing clothes that let my upper arms show or let my stomach and upper legs show. He told me that I need to embrace my body. That I'm a woman and I can't wear baggy clothes anymore.

My trainer is so good for me. Today we did some crazy stuff on some machines, but he always has me so supported in every way. I never feel embarrassed or vulnerable. I was doing lunges off of the machine with my hands in straps and I lost my balance and he just caught me in an inconspicuous way and we smiled and then adjusted my position on the plank and he stood behind me with his fingers supporting me so I could lean back and do the lunges properly without being tentative.

Khris spends time with me after training and we talk about stuff. He talked about how training is about mind and body and creating your soul.

He gave me some homework. He said he wanted me to write lists of what I wanted in people and relationships and friendships in my life. What do I want from them physically, mentally and what kinds of activities do I want to do with them.

The way he looks at it, if you don't know what you want, you won't be able to let the people in your life know what you expect or need from them and that's where miscommunication and other problems come up. You can't get what you want if you don't know what you want and don't let people know what you want.

So today, I decided to stop wearing my old baggy clothes to workouts, I enjoyed a fun workout with the support of my trainer and I made some lists.

Zen and the Art of Personal Training

It's September! One of my favorite times of year. It used to be the time of year when I would go back to work and it would be the beginning of a brand new school year for me and my new students. Now it's the beginning of a brand new year for me.

If I'm not careful, I can forget that fall is an entire season and worry that it ushers in winter, which is okay at the beginning, but is also the hardest time of the year for me from January to April. See what I mean? January to April and it's only September!!

It's my first September in my amazing new apartment. I've been able to maintain my place as far as keeping it neat and clean. I still have a few little projects, but I could have someone come over at any time and it's never messy. I don't have anything I don't need. No clutter!

I've been reading more. I've been on my porch (balcony). I went kayaking one day! I have some luxurious yoga pants for working out! I have a very minimal wardrobe of simple clothes that fit me that I like that I can keep up with washing. And I haven't been in a flare or in true Fibro pain the way I'm used to being in quite some time. I still have fatigue issues, but why even consider that right now. I don't have the normal Fibro pain. It's there if I touch. It didn't go anywhere. But it's not flaring.

So where did it go? My personal trainer took it away.

In August, I joined the cheap gym near me so I could go to yoga classes for only $20 a month instead of $20 a class at the cool studio. I figured I could go to yoga and maybe there would be other classes I might like--I was hoping for a step class and maybe some strength classes with weights. I love classes. I had lost some weight and was ready to add something to help get me out of the house and have a structured workout. I still didn't think I was ready for anything strenuous. I was still very tired all the time and my body really hurt.

So the first time I headed to the gym with my yoga mat for the class and to get my little ID card, there was a sign on the door that the yoga teacher had suddenly quit and there would be no more yoga until they were able to get a new instructor. Oh, well. So, I sat at the registration desk to get my picture taken and get my little scanner card and they said I got a free personal training assessment that I could do right then instead seeing as the yoga class was cancelled and she called over the trainer guy.

Oh, shit. I thought. I do not want a personal trainer. I can't afford a personal trainer and I hate spotlight and tons of questions and I don't want someone yelling at me and telling me everything I'm doing is all wrong and blah, blah, blah, internal dialog. So the guy was pretty nice and he talked to me and he started a few things and he shared his philosophies. But then something else happened. He found every single tight spot and knot in my body and dug into it and had me do things to stretch and work.

There was something about him that just clicked with me. He talked about yoga. He had Buddha tattoos and tattoos of cool phrases and the lotus flower. 

There was just something that was telling me to do this. I signed up for twice a week for 3 months.

Personal training. I don't know how anyone else's personal training works. I don't know how he works with his other clients. I don't know how other personal trainers are. This is my experience with personal training and why it's nothing like I thought it would be and why it's not the training that is the key word, it's the word personal.

As an introvert, I usually like to be invisible when I go places. I don't like a lot of spotlight on me. I'm no good in groups, especially when there are a lot of people watching me or paying attention to me. But I can be very comfortable in one on one situations. Personal training is one on one. If I didn't like my trainer, it would be torture. I would have to be self-conscious and have a persona. But I love him. I can be myself. I'm not trying to please him. I am not in public persona mode. I'm able to be me.

Personal. As an introvert and a sensitive person. I'm usually paying attention to the needs of others and conscious of the energy in the room When I'm being trained, I'm the focus! It's really nice to have someone give me attention for 30-45 minutes for a change. I don't have to give back. It's my time. He's there for me. He's helping me. He wants good things for me. He's making sure my elbows are tucked in and my feet are in the right place and the weight is heavy enough or light enough for me!

Zen and the art of personal training. My personal trainer has this part mastered!! He doesn't motivate by yelling. He doesn't motivate by too many words. He doesn't motivate by telling me he's proud of me. He motivates me by being quiet. He motivates me by giving me things to do that I know are challenging for me. I know he's not babying me because of my age or my size or my illness. He motivates me by listening to me. He tells me stories when I ask him questions, but he doesn't preach.

I can hop on the bike and warm up and zone out for some cardio, but personal training is zen. It's yoga. It's present moment. I look forward to every session I have. My muscles feel challenged. My spirit feels free. My mind is awake.

It's September! New beginnings. I'm about to hit the 50 pound weight loss mark. That's just a number though, just like age.  I feel great. I'm happier in my body and happy with where I am in my life.