My word for 2018: Stomp!

STOMP!!

It's New Year's Resolution time. I just read a cool article on alternatives to resolutions. One idea was to choose a word for the year. Something to remind you of your focus. A word that can help you think about what's important to you.

That's so much deeper and more meaningful and less quantifiable. People usually say quantifying makes a goal better. but in some cases, it makes it a way to set yourself up for giving up. This is more interesting because it lets you just keep picking yourself up and moving toward your word. There's no failure.

My word came to me somehow as I went through words that were too fancy sounding or too narrow and didn't really mean anything to me that inspired me. STOMP! 

Stomp to me has nothing to do with being aggressive or pushy. It means I want to be confident. I want to get stronger. I want to keep stomping my fears.

I like the image of me doing my Bosu Burpees that I learned to do properly yesterday. I was doing them wrong before. I was jumping with my legs too close and too light on my toes, which was hurting my poor little shins. When I learned to jump with my feet apart and really stick it, nothing hurt and they became fun! Stomp!! 

I like the image of Snoopy stomping around with his straight arms. It's happy. Kirk Franklin holy ghost stomping is happy!! I want to happy stomp!! 

I want to confidently stomp on my own worries with a smile and not care what other people think. I want to do it in a very non-nonchalant way, not an aggressive way that brings that aggressive energy back to me. I want the happy, light, carefree energy. Stomping is carefree! 

Brooding, assuming, over-thinking, worrying, pacifying, pleasing, second-guessing, explaining, defending, giving up, giving away, those are all careful and not carefree.

If you let aggression out, not out on other people, just out, sometimes what seems aggressive is actually very healthy and easy and allows you to let go of of all of those things instead of letting that aggression turn inward. Letting your muscles store it. 

So I'm going to Stomp in 2018. I'm going to get stronger, more confident, happier, and more honest! 

Walking tall!

I am walking tall into 2018. Literally and figuratively. No more Snoopy vulture posture for me. I am walking tall and proud. I am learning to love myself in ways that truly allow me to stand tall and shed more than pounds.

On the very first day I met Khris, he talked about how he would work with me in training in ways that would help me from the top down. He talked about the bump on the back of my neck and how my head would eventually come up and sit on top of my spine instead of so forward. I remember being intrigued by that. He didn't talk about losing weight, he talked about my head on top of my spine.

He hasn't mentioned that since the first day, but whenever he does talk about our training, he never mentions weight. He says I'm getting stronger or he tells me I'm working hard.

Today when I was putting lotion on myself, I just happened to glance in the mirror and I noticed that the hump on my neck seemed like it wasn't as pronounced. I didn't know if I was imagining it or not.

I asked Khris what he thought when I got to the gym. He said it was definitely bigger when I first came. He said it was the rows and other things he's been having me work on. He said my posture is way different. I'm more confident. I'm stronger. I hold myself different.

I really thought that hump was something biological. I thought it was skeletal. Apparently, I can work on it. I can help make my head move back on my spine and my chest move forward and stand taller. I know I carry my stress in my shoulder blades. I have knots there that have spasmed before. Massage therapists have commented about my cement muscles and my knots. I know my sensitivity is housed in my muscles.

That's the biggest surprise of my training. Not that I'm getting in shape. But that I'm digging into muscle and releasing pain and stress and whatever else is hiding in there and it's a fibromyalgia miracle treatment.

So I am walking taller now. But I am walking taller figuratively, too. This year, right in the nick of time, my life coach helped me learn that I really can be myself and not worry about what other people think or say.

It's easy to know that intellectually, but to really believe it and live it isn't always as easy. For some reason, people seem to always tell me that I should try to back off a little and not show my big heart to people for fear that it may scare them off or it may be too much for them.

If I have to back off in order for you to like me, then you are not worth liking. If you want me to back off, then I don't want you to like me anyway. If you like me, then you get my big heart. You get me. I accept all of you. You should accept all of me. Or I'll back way off.

I'm walking tall. Can you dig it?

Closing out 2017

2017 was a year filled with surprises. I usually hate surprises. I mean hate surprises. Though I generally think of surprises as things that are sprung on me that I have no control over that cause a lot of spotlight on me. These things were maybe more unexpected cool things that just happened or decisions I made that I didn't see coming. And I definitely did not hate them!

I started the year decluttering my closets and getting rid of things and focusing on the present moment.

Surprise. My apartment building decided to renovate and raise prices and kick people out. I found that out from a neighbor.

Surprise. My brother decided to buy a condo for me and renovate it and rent it out to me. He bought it in March and it would be renovated and ready by July when my lease would be up.

Surprise. In March I decided to lose weight. It actually worked. I started losing about 2 pounds a week. I found a great yoga studio that I have been able to go back to time and time again because I always need yoga to be grounded. Yoga is so important and I always need to return to it. It's a great studio. I went in April a little and I'm going back again now once a week. They also have cool gong meditations from time to time.

Surprise. Season 7 of The Walking Dead ended and, after 2 years of really being engrossed in it, I decided to end my time writing for Undead Walking and running their Twitter and really focus on myself and my move and my body.

By the time my apartment was ready I had very little to move that I didn't need or love. I absolutely adore my new place. I feel like a princess here! A tomboy, casual princess, but you get the idea!  It's so uncluttered and clear and clean and bright and happy.

Surprise. August. I decided I was ready to move my body more and do some yoga and workout a little. I met Khris, my personal trainer and life coach. Biggest surprise ever!! I gained a genuine friend and soul connection, which I don't do very easily or often, and my pain almost disappeared. I work hard and rest hard and I feel more connected to life than I have in years.

Surprise. I learned all sorts of valuable lessons all through the year during all of these times I've spent with my family and friends and by myself.

Going into 2018, I expect to continue to get stronger and, hopefully, lose some more weight. I expect to gain a little more energy as I focus on living in the present. Other than that, I plan to be open to more unexpected gifts and lessons.

Slow Down There, Nelly!!

I just scrolled by this meme and it was just what I needed! It's coming on the New Year, which is the time when everyone makes big promises to themselves and has big ideas. During class today, Mike even mentioned how we were starting the New Year early and many of the people that would be in the gym soon would probably be gone by March.

It's fun to reflect and make new plans, and I've been feeling like it's time to get things going again because somehow I've been feeling fat again. I know it's just a visual thing and something I see in the mirror when I'm at the gym or at yoga and I see my body in motion and I see other gym and yoga bodies.

I'm realistic and I'm not depressed or discouraged. I just see that I have lots of room to keep going. I know I can get a lot stronger and build more endurance. I know I can keep helping my pain. But the excitement of the difference of what I looked like at 250 pounds and 200 pounds is giving way to wanting to be even more fit and less fat.

But I can't rush things. They will happen with the process that works. They won't happen by trying to starve myself or trying to workout like a maniac. It will take consistency and continuing to do all the things I've been doing. I can add things and grow, but I can't force. I can't be afraid of being a beginner. I'm still a beginner. I still have limitations. It hasn't even been a year yet and I've only been training for 5 months.

New Year, New Ideas

It's time to review and finish the year strong and move to the next phase of new year, new me. I kept saying new year, new me last year, taking the cliche and just using it to my advantage. The year of Suz! I make every year the year of Suz, but this year was really more than just words. After some really tough years, it was a pretty amazing turn around in a lot of ways. I'm always positive and happy even in tough times, but this year I was able to make some very real changes in trajectory.

So as I once again get ready for new year, new me and to proclaim it the year of Suz, it's time to step it up. Take it to the next level. Next level shit. I have realized that as much as I have lost, I still have a lot more to lose. I'm where I used to be a long time ago when I used to be unhappy with my weight and wanted to lose. This used to be a high weight for me. It's a great weight compared to 50 pounds ago, but it would be awesome to keep going.

When I'm in yoga class now, I feel huge improvements in my movement and my stamina and my strength, but when I look in the mirror, it's a weird thing. I look way smaller than I used to look when I did yoga, but I look fat compared to how I feel when I look at myself in my jeans and sweatshirts at home.

When I'm training, I feel like I'm doing way more than I did when I started training in August, but then I do new things and I feel like Oliver in St. Vincent as he tried to do his pull ups and sit ups in his gym class and couldn't do anything. Or as his little arm punched the bag in the garage with Bill Murrray.

I am adding a circuit class on Fridays and a yoga class on Wednesdays. That's a good upgrade. I think I need to add some cardio somewhere. I wish there was a cardio class I liked. I might go to the mall in the morning like my brother does when he's in town and do a mall walk once or twice a week. That's something I have to figure out. Maybe even an outdoor walk. I can layer up! I can't see me doing Zumba. I love to dance, but that's just weird.

P.S. I just decided I might add spinning classes at the gym once or twice a week. I need to buy some padded leggings!!! Shopping!

More Stuff From Mr. Smarty Pants

Change your mindset. Mr. Smarty Pants always posts that. Khris was on a talk show today and they were talking about eating and the host used the word cheating when talking about his diet. Khris said that cheating is the wrong way to think about it.

I was happy to hear that. Ever since I started changing my eating habits in March, I haven't once thought that I was "bad" or "cheating" if I didn't follow my exact diet or if I didn't lose weight in a particular week. I went a few times where 4 weeks went by without losing a pound, but I just kept going and doing what I was doing.

Last weekend when I ate those fries and chips with my dinner, I didn't once think I was cheating or that I ruined anything. I just thought, I'm eating some fries with my French Dip or I'm eating some chips with my turkey sandwich. I picked out the best fries and chips on the plate and ate them.

I didn't equivocate and tell myself I deserved it after all the weight I've lost. I didn't feel guilty and I didn't feel entitled. I just made a choice. I didn't make a deal with myself to do better tomorrow or start over next week or work them off on the bike. I just did it and that was that.

I think you get in trouble when you start attaching too much emotion to your eating in good ways or bad ways. It's too dramatic to think of it as being good or bad. It's just eating. It doesn't make you a good person or a bad person. You don't deserve a drink or a dessert. And you aren't depriving yourself of anything if you make choices not to have things. You're choosing not to have them because you like the way your body feels and performs when you don't eat them.

Khris also said something else that I liked. He said that the host should think that he ate steak because he "wanted" it. I like that idea. It's less dramatic than all those excuses like...I worked hard today or I had a bad day at work or heck with my diet, it's my Birthday, I'm going crazy. You don't have to be so all or nothing. You can just have something because you want it and still not say, well as long as I'm eating bad, I might as well eat really bad and order dessert and eat everything in sight.

I did that on my birthday and on Thanksgiving. I wanted chicken marsala from Armand's on my birthday and I ordered it. I ordered it and I ate it. It was delicious. I didn't order dessert. I didn't really need it or want it, but I wanted that chicken marsala!

On Thanksgiving I wanted the turkey and dressing and mashed potatoes and gravy. I didn't eat the rolls because even though they are good, I didn't need the bread and butter and I didn't really want them all that much. But I wanted the dressing and mashed potatoes and turkey. I also ate green beans and I ate slowly and enjoyed everything.

Then the next day, I went back to my workout and my normal eating.

Change your mindset. I'm ready for the next big burst of big change. I was happy with where I am and I still am, but I'm getting restless now with where I am. I want more change. I'm ready for more. I've settled into this weight. I appreciate how far I've come. But now I really see, I have a long way to go. I hope my body allows it. My mind is ready. I'm over Christmas. Bring on 2018.

My Trainer Thinks He's So Smart!

It's the holidays and also I've been overloaded from taking care of my uncle after his spectacular fall at his house. I'm not one of those people who thrives on stress and keeping a hectic schedule. I like a nice easy pace and I love my time alone to recharge.

But I refuse to give up my training time now. My training session today was very fun as usual, but I had to really work and I was sweating and pushing.

Of course, my smarty pants trainer notices and figures out everything and knew that I haven't been eating right and that's why my body wasn't able to give what it normally could.

I wanted to blame him for working me too hard, but that can be our little secret. Of course, he was right. It is the holidays and my brother and my nephew are in town and I've been eating different stuff than normal.

I've tried to order well, but I haven't had fries or chips since March and I had fries and chips in the last 3 days with my otherwise smartly ordered choices.

Usually I just don't order the fries or the chips, but they came with the meals. I should have said, don't bring them!!!

I've been doing great as far as sugar goes. I stay away from desserts and cookies and candy, but I need to stay away from salty chips and fries and cheese and things that make me tired and make me have pain and add pounds.

It's funny how it's the small things that make the big difference with so many things in life. It's not the big choices, it's the small choices over time. But it's also those little lessons that we learn. So thanks to Mr. Smarty Pants, I learned a good lesson before the New Year!! Happy New Year!

Next Level Shit!

I thought I was pretty much blogged out for a while about training, but no. I'm a blabbermouth blogger! To my trainer Khris:

I already knew that I loved my training. I have more energy and I have less pain. I'm happy with my weight loss and wearing regular size clothes. It seemed like the hard work is behind me. Not true. The hard work is really still in front of me.

I've found that it's actually easier to work at things when the results seem so dramatic and so far away. It seems like it's getting harder now that the results seem smaller and less visible. They are truly inner results. I go weeks now without losing pounds. But I gain muscle and I gain energy and confidence and I'm having fun and making small improvements and maintaining.

But maintenance is a deceiving word. I'm not just maintaining. I'm still improving. If I wasn't doing training, I would just be maintaining. Training is some next level shit. I don't do the same workout every session. Even the sit ups and leg lifts aren't the same each time.

You have me do crazy stuff with steps and ropes and machines and bouncing balls while doing lunge lines. It's something different every time. And I'm different every time. I would never do this for myself. Even if I knew how. You are my coach. I need you.

I know I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing because I had to rest last week after going out and doing things every day.

I hit a little tired wall. I hit a wall after going out EVERY day during a week! I also had another emotional release that made no sense during that rest day after not having one of those for a while.

That means I'm moving forward! I'm ready for the next level shit! I'm so glad I have someone who believes in me in a way that takes me there.

Khris, you inspire me! I can look at you and say, Because of you, I didn't give up."

Acceptance Comes Before Breakthroughs

There's a girl in a little Facebook Fibromyalgia group that reminds me a lot of me where I was a few years ago. She's having a really tough time working and she's desperately trying everything to help her pain and fatigue. She's always reading up on things and trying new supplements or medications.

She talks about feeling envious of people on television and in movies who do fun activities and seem to have energy to do things. She also talks about the emotional pain of people not believing that her pain is real. Thinking she is lazy or doesn't push herself.

I've been there. I'm not exactly there now and it's tricky for me to talk to her without sounding like a reformed alcoholic or smoker who knows it all. I don't know it all, that's for sure. She talked tonight about acceptance.

I remember that during the time I went through the process of being told that retiring was my best option and actually dealing with all the paperwork and appointments and then selling my house and being retired, I had to do a lot of accepting.

I had to accept my condition, which included lots of saying its name out loud. I had to accept my new financial situation. I had to accept my body and all of its physical limitations including its look and asking for help. I think that I had to fully accept everything before I was able to open up and break through any denial.

In the most confusing of ways I had to accept who I was and that I was enough just the way I was, including the pain, the fat, the hurts, the feeling sorry for myself, and everything else in order to stop looking for quick fixes.

If I was enough, I didn't need a quick fix. If I had a thyroid problem, that could explain my difficulty losing weight, but it didn't help me lose weight, so who cares? If my feet hurt because I had bone spurs, they still hurt. All those things were about proving to other people or to myself that I wasn't faking my difficulties.

I knew I wasn't faking. If I really just believed I was enough, any self-development I embarked on was based on my own desires and not on the belief that I needed to do something to make me acceptable to others.

So, now that I have gone through a big breakthrough during the last several months, I think that I'm in need of that lesson again. Maybe this girl is asking these questions not for me to help her, but for her to help me.

I am at a great point, but I still have many things that I need to accept again in order to move to the next breakthrough. New things. I still get jealous of people who get to do fun things.  Even though I have more energy than I did before and I do way more things than I used to, there are still things I'd like to do and don't have anyone to do them with. It's tricky when you are at ease being by yourself, but you'd like to do things with people sometimes.

I love the holiday season, but I still get up and down happy and sad depending on what I'm doing. I can't keep the holiday high going. I try to do Christmasy things, and they make me happy, but it doesn't last.

Every year I have to remember that holidays aren't the same as an adult. I don't get to see my family anymore the way we did as kids and even now the nephews and niece are older and don't come to stay with me for days and do things anymore.

So this December, I shall enjoy the Christmas season and not place too many expectations on myself or on the season. And I shall consider what else needs accepting before I crash through the next set of walls into 2018.

Bursting with Joy

When my little nephew came to my new apartment after I sold my townhouse when I retired from teaching  and moved on up to the suburbs on the West side (haha), he told me it was bursting with joy! His body was bursting with joy as he gave me that news!

When I first started working out, I had some odd and random emotional releases in the way of crying and sadness and unfortunate bursts of hurt feelings and crying for really no reason.

My trainer and my doctor figured that they were from the release of just everything that had been held in the muscles that are now breaking down and rebuilding in better, stronger, healthier ways.

These emotional releases went away after awhile until today. I had a great workout, as always. But my legs were nice and wobbly at the end. On my way out to my car, I just started crying. But this emotional release wasn't sad or crabby or filled with hurt feelings about anything.

I was bursting with joy. When I started exercising back in August,  I was doing it to enhance my weight loss and trying to do more with my life. I never in a million years imagined that what has happened would happen. People talk about how important setting goals is in life. But goals are too small. They aren't enough. They are just the beginning.

I had to go back into the gym and tell Khris that he has changed my life and that it's not just exercise to me. He has given me my life back. I could lose all the weight in the world and it wouldn't have taken the pain away or given me the happiness and energy the way that his personality and his training has done for me.

In true Khris fashion, he just said that's good and he's happy and he hugged me. But he was not surprised in the least, which makes me love him even more. He calls me a unicorn, but he's a unicorn, too. You don't meet people that have that kind of caring and passion about what they do every day. I'm so grateful that I met him.

I truly believe that he was sent to me by the universe.

My muscles were letting go of lots of pain in their previous emotional releases. But now when I cry it's because my muscles are bursting with joy!

Surrender, Acceptance and Demolition

Surrender. Sounds like giving up. I love words. Khris and I were talking about words today. Comprehension and how words don't always mean what we think they mean. There are deeper meanings to words and concepts.

I just read my first blog post from April when I was ready for things to start happening for myself. I had started little things already. I had started cleaning out closets and changing my diet. I had broken out of denial. I was ready to surrender. And I love control.

Acceptance. That was the word Khris mentioned today. That was where I had to get in order to surrender and move forward. I had to accept everything about where I was in order to break out of denial and, as he once put it, wave away all the smoke from in front of me.

Here are some of the words I wrote back then:

I'm really working on change that is true change and happiness change that works with who I am and treating myself with the same care and non-judgment I give to others. It's not a competition or a race. Yoga teaches me that. It's surrender. I need surrender. I love control. I need to let go. I need to be free. I need to live in the now.

Yoga makes you accept what is. Not what you wish were. That doesn't mean things can't change. But they haven't changed yet. You have to accept what is now before you can move. And the growth can be small. I can inhale and twist just a tiny bit more and in yoga I feel great about that. I was able to twist a tiny bit more because I didn't force it or get mad about it. I accepted where I was. I breathed in, I reached and if I got a little further, then I was happy, if I didn't, I still got a nice breath and a stretch.

Everything I have done in the last 2 years has brought me to this point and now I'm ready for my next steps. The renovations on my place are starting and the renovations on myself are beginning as well. It's demolition time! The results will be spectacular. I need to knock down some walls. I'm ready for the magic. I surrender!

I'm still in complete awe of the idea of personal training and how it has transformed my pain levels and my energy and my joy for life and my joy for working out. I used to always say that yoga was magic. Now I believe that training is magic and Khris is a magician.

There is surrender and acceptance in training. I come in without a care in the world and I know that he has a plan for me and I just do what he says. I don't ask questions or complain or wonder why he has me do the things he has me do. I'm past that. I just do. That may not be the right approach for other people and their training, but it's my approach. 

Why would I question or complain or wonder about something that gives me the joy and the results that it has given me. My goal is not weight loss or inches loss or measurable anything. I'm not competing for anything. My goal is to enjoy getting up and having a place to go and someone who is kind to me and makes me happy to be with him and takes away my pain. I didn't even know my goal when I started. 

That's my goal now. I want to have some accountability. I want to know that I'm getting up and going somewhere that there is someone waiting for me. Someone who wants me to feel better and who thinks about my well-being when I'm there and is happy to see me. I know I'll get through this winter because of him. 

It's amazing how fast things have gone since I wrote those things in April. Now that I have a magician in my corner, I wonder where things will go next! I really don't know. I accept where I am. I surrender! 

I'm so fluffy I'm gonna die!

I found out I'm a unicorn!! I've never been fond of unicorns in posters and things;  they're a little too fantasy looking for me, but I love the metaphor now. My trainer told me that about once a year he gets a unicorn and, yep, you guessed it!!

He said as a trainer, sometimes you will get a person that just gets it. Who comes in and is serious. Who has pushed away all the smoke in front of them and is ready. And other people wonder why they don't get the same magic. He said that as the coach he wants that for everyone, but the coach can't want it more than the player. 

It made me think of the 85 Bears. It was just magic. I remember when they made the Super Bowl Shuffle. People thought it was cocky. It wasn't cocky. They just knew. I feel the same way. I just know. 

The Super Bowl Shuffle from John Wholespice on Vimeo.

On the topic of getting it. I had the funniest experience today during my workout. I was doing my sit-ups and during the second round, I was having a hard time. He had told me not to just lay there if I was having a hard time. I finally get what he means now. I always thought it was bad if you didn't do all your reps in one "go". He said, get up, walk around and come back. He means every time! If it takes 2 or 3 times to get my 15 in, then so be it. He said-you ever see those guys in the gym stomping around and then they go back and do the last ones...

So I got up and stomped around! hahaha! He said, Yes! and waited and looked around casually. I know he was trying not to laugh! And then I did one and couldn't do another. Damn! So I got up and walked around a little bit while he waited. Then I knocked out the last 5. #winning  Then we went on to do some other stuff. #gymlife

So, today I found out I'm a unicorn and Otis Wilson! Not a bad morning.

Energy: Tortoise and hare strikes again!

Since I started training, I've noticed huge changes in my pain levels, but I thought my energy levels hadn't changed much. I'm starting to realize that they have. When I changed my diet in March and decided to make changes in general to focus on myself and downsize, etc. in January, I kept reminding myself about the tortoise and the hare.

I tend to be an all or nothing person and when things are really bad, I usually go for nothing and then bad gets worse. I've tried to push myself into making small changes and doing things a little at a time over longer periods of time to accommodate my condition, which has really helped me accomplish more.

It can be daunting and depressing at times when you don't see anything happening, but eventually, you see that dent or light at the end of the tunnel and it propels you. For example, when I cleaned out my closets in January, I took everything out and told myself if it took me a month to deal with it, so be it. And it took about a month of doing a little bit each day (and even some days of doing nothing) and climbing over piles of stuff, but I did it. And it was worth it. I got rid of so much stuff!!

Moving in July wore me out. But I love my new and so incredibly minimal new place! It allows me to focus on life and not worry about clutter.

Now that I'm working out and my pain has decreased, and I have less clutter in every way, I am starting to see comparisons in my energy....yes, back to that. I used to shop on qvc.com for many reasons. First of all, it was the only place I could find when I was in bigger sizes that had clothes that I didn't hate that fit me. When I went to Kohl's or other stores, the clothes were hideous and they just didn't fit. They were too short or wide or clingy. It was very depressing. At least QVC had plain clothes that fit me.

The other big advantage became shopping on the computer and things were delivered to my door. Now I actually go out shopping more. I am seeing how much I used to rely on online shopping because I was too tired to go out to the stores. Now I even go to stores again just to browse and have fun. Even before I could start getting clothes in smaller sizes, just recently, I started to go and hang out at the mall more often just to have something to do. I used to do that a long time ago with Target or Walmart--just wander around for fun.

Even though I still take naps a lot in the afternoons, I am realizing that I used to go out to the grocery store and have to come home and just lay down on the couch because I was so tired and I had to get my feet off the ground. I don't have to do that anymore. I sit more on my chairs and my couch. I can cross my legs.

I take a shower now several times a week as opposed to once a week. Once a week used to wear me out for at least a day after the shower. My arms used to hurt just to lift them up to wash my hair. My body (my skin, bones, and muscles) used to hurt to have me rub the soap on it.

There were times when I'd lean against the shower wall and cry before I got out. I used to have to rest when I got out of the shower before drying my hair and putting on makeup. Then I had to rest before putting on clothes. Then I had to rest after putting on clothes. Now I can do all those things without resting in between. I still think shower days wear me out a little, but that's a big improvement.

I clean things in my house spontaneously. I will clean a bathroom floor just because I see my hair on the floor. I make my bed every day. I empty the dishwasher as soon as it's finished running. I never have dishes in the sink anymore. I take out the garbage. I don't leave things on the tables like I used to. It's not because I've become a neat freak. I realize I have just smaller bits of energy to do things when I'm supposed to rather than letting things pile up because of the complete depletion of energy that I used to suffer from consistently.

All of this just dawned on me yesterday when I got my hair colored and cut. Usually by the time I get to the part where she rinses out my hair after we've talked a bit and I have to wait the processing time, I'm so relaxed and exhausted, I'm practically catatonic at the sink. She's always used to my extreme drop in energy from the time I walk in to the time when she gets to the haircut part.

Yesterday, I was wide awake at the sink. It was still relaxing and felt great to have her wash my hair, but I wasn't limping to the sink and I didn't have difficulty getting up after sitting for 30 minutes. It was such a noticeable difference doing an activity I was used to doing routinely every month or so.

It made me examine my energy levels in a new way. I have to stop saying my energy levels haven't improved-they have! For me, this is a ball of energy!!

Next week I'm going with my friend to her house in Michigan for a little weekend. I'm looking forward to seeing how that has changed. A long time ago we used to hike and go shopping in the little towns. More recently, I couldn't hike and my back would break just shopping in the little towns. I'm hoping to hike and hang out and talk and have a blast for a few days!

The Walking Dead, Chronic Pain and Sharing Stories

When I ran the Twitter account for Undead Walking, I noticed that quite a few The Walking Dead fans were chronic pain sufferers of some sort. I wondered there was something about the show that spoke to us or if it was just a coincidence the way you notice things like the people that drive the same car as you.

Anyway, as the Twitter person for Undead, I shared things more readily than I might in my normal life, because it's part of building a community. People want to connect with you. I was used to this from my work as a teacher. The kids want to connect to you in a personal way through the subject.

It's not that you open up inappropriately or overly focus on yourself; kids make fun of those teachers who go on tangents constantly about their kids and their own lives. But you have to allow your personality to show through and involve them and let them see you as a person.

Most of my Twitter life involves people I met because of The Walking Dead. But we talk about other things at times, too. When I started my personal blog about my life changes and personal fitness journey, I did it for myself. I didn't set out to write at any certain times. I just write a post when I think of a topic that has been bouncing around in my head and I think it has enough to it to devote a few paragraphs.

I never intended to share it on my Twitter. I write them for myself. But I did share them on Twitter. I don't know how many people read them and I don't care if people scroll by and don't read them. But I'm truly surprised and touched by the handful of people who have messaged me or Tweeted me about their own stories because of my blog and thanked me or asked me questions.

There are people who have chronic pain that don't want other Twitter people to know. There are people who are just out there losing weight and don't share it on Twitter but have been sharing it with me through messages. And there are people with pain who are just happy that they feel like they can talk about it a little, too and not feel like they have to keep it to themselves all the time because they know I mention it.

Chronic pain sufferers are often seen as complainers and whiners. I never want to be seen as a whiner, but I don't want to hide, either.

My trainer has done something amazing for me in just these last few months and I hope to work with him and be his friend for a long time to come. Maybe in my own small way, I can do something for some people by sharing my stories.

Embracing the irony and paradox of change in life

When people talk about life changing in a split second, we often think of things like natural disasters or sickness that changes our lives by throwing a wrench into our daily routines or our plans for the future. But life can change course quickly in positive directions, too. Sometimes in unexpected ways and sometimes from a choice we make. And sometimes life can throw disasters at us that we turn into positive experiences depending on our perspective and decisions.

The past few years have included a lot of change for me. The paradox is that many changes start with a split second change, but the effect of the change lasts a long time and changes the entire trajectory of the next phase of life.

Retiring from teaching was a pretty abrupt and unexpected event, after which, I sold my townhouse and moved to Lombard to enjoy a new life closer to my family and more carefree apartment life. That was tough on me physically.

Then I got embroiled in writing and Tweeting with Undead Walking. I met lots of people and I got to keep very busy in my transition into retirement.

I wish I could remember what I was thinking on the day I decided that it was time for me to lose some weight and be serious about it. But I remember knowing that it was a decision that was going to change the direction of my life. I was serious. I didn't know if my body was going to respond to my decision, but I was not playing. I wasn't in denial or making excuses in my mind any more. I was not going to accept it anymore. I wasn't ashamed of myself, but I was not comfortable in that body. And it was getting bigger.

I'd been plugging along slowly but surely and doing well and enjoying the process; but all of a sudden in the last week, I reached a point where I'm becoming comfortable in this new body even though it's a different shape and size. It's like my brain just caught up with my body.

I don't know what this means for the next phase of my work in training moving forward. I just know I'm having so much fun working out. I love the hell out of my trainer. I know that the winter isn't going to be the same struggle this year that it usually is. And I'm happier than I've been in a long time.

So I look forward to whatever monkey wrenches come up next; hopefully they will turn into cool unexpected things. And I hope to make more decisions that will lead to a better and better future.

Today's Training: Ruby Slippers

After my latest homework assignment, my trainer told me I was in my own prison, and I was right at the door to figuring out how to get out, but he wasn't going to tell me how. Through our workout and talking, I figured some things out. My sneakers turned into ruby slippers as I had the answers all along. I just needed to click my heels 3 times.

People toss around the term letting go very cavalierly, but letting go is is not as easy as just opening your fist and allowing something to drop out of it. It is one of the most important things we must learn to do in life though. And one of the most beautiful.

This has been a year of letting go for me in so many ways. I let go of my job with Undead Walking to focus more on myself. I'm letting go of my old eating habits and attachments to food as fun and love. I've let go of extra weight in more ways than one. I let go of old clothes and clutter and moved into a new apartment.

I'm letting go of emotions and pain that have been stored in my body and muscles for a long time and I didn't even know it.

The nicest thing that Khris has told me through this interesting process of wants and needs and friends, etc. has been that I'm enough! Most people tell me to get out and meet people and do more as if I need to compromise somehow. The way Khris talks to me is different.

Khris is my Glinda! He's always there for me. He watches over me.  He told me:  you have everything you need in you. You provide all your needs all by yourself. You don't need anyone else. So who cares if someone rejects you or doesn't provide what you want. Next. You know you are your own best friend already. You can go out and just experiment and try new things and have no fear because you know you are already the greatest thing that you need!

That makes it a lot easier for me to open my fist and let go! He's right! It's time for me to click my heels! I've been walking around in those ruby slippers long enough. I can walk right out of the prison cell. The door has been unlocked the whole time.

Today's Training: No more baggy clothes, support and some lists

I told my trainer today that I've hit 50 pounds down. He was nonchalant as always and said great and asked me what I was looking to lose. I said maybe 20-25 more. He repeated the number almost making me feel like it was too much--He's always so real. I told him that the number isn't that important, I just wanted to lose a little more of my stomach and my flabby triceps. He told me that was diet and it would happen in time.

He did tell me that I had changed so much since the day I walked in and met him. That surprised me because I've only lost 10 pounds since I met him. I hit a month long plateau during the time I've been training.

He said he noticed it today though especially. I said that's because I'm not wearing my old clothes. I'm wearing too small clothes that I got for the future. He said, "NO, you're wearing clothes that fit. I'm gonna call you out on that from now on. No more baggy clothes!"

I'm not used to wearing clothes that let my upper arms show or let my stomach and upper legs show. He told me that I need to embrace my body. That I'm a woman and I can't wear baggy clothes anymore.

My trainer is so good for me. Today we did some crazy stuff on some machines, but he always has me so supported in every way. I never feel embarrassed or vulnerable. I was doing lunges off of the machine with my hands in straps and I lost my balance and he just caught me in an inconspicuous way and we smiled and then adjusted my position on the plank and he stood behind me with his fingers supporting me so I could lean back and do the lunges properly without being tentative.

Khris spends time with me after training and we talk about stuff. He talked about how training is about mind and body and creating your soul.

He gave me some homework. He said he wanted me to write lists of what I wanted in people and relationships and friendships in my life. What do I want from them physically, mentally and what kinds of activities do I want to do with them.

The way he looks at it, if you don't know what you want, you won't be able to let the people in your life know what you expect or need from them and that's where miscommunication and other problems come up. You can't get what you want if you don't know what you want and don't let people know what you want.

So today, I decided to stop wearing my old baggy clothes to workouts, I enjoyed a fun workout with the support of my trainer and I made some lists.

Zen and the Art of Personal Training

It's September! One of my favorite times of year. It used to be the time of year when I would go back to work and it would be the beginning of a brand new school year for me and my new students. Now it's the beginning of a brand new year for me.

If I'm not careful, I can forget that fall is an entire season and worry that it ushers in winter, which is okay at the beginning, but is also the hardest time of the year for me from January to April. See what I mean? January to April and it's only September!!

It's my first September in my amazing new apartment. I've been able to maintain my place as far as keeping it neat and clean. I still have a few little projects, but I could have someone come over at any time and it's never messy. I don't have anything I don't need. No clutter!

I've been reading more. I've been on my porch (balcony). I went kayaking one day! I have some luxurious yoga pants for working out! I have a very minimal wardrobe of simple clothes that fit me that I like that I can keep up with washing. And I haven't been in a flare or in true Fibro pain the way I'm used to being in quite some time. I still have fatigue issues, but why even consider that right now. I don't have the normal Fibro pain. It's there if I touch. It didn't go anywhere. But it's not flaring.

So where did it go? My personal trainer took it away.

In August, I joined the cheap gym near me so I could go to yoga classes for only $20 a month instead of $20 a class at the cool studio. I figured I could go to yoga and maybe there would be other classes I might like--I was hoping for a step class and maybe some strength classes with weights. I love classes. I had lost some weight and was ready to add something to help get me out of the house and have a structured workout. I still didn't think I was ready for anything strenuous. I was still very tired all the time and my body really hurt.

So the first time I headed to the gym with my yoga mat for the class and to get my little ID card, there was a sign on the door that the yoga teacher had suddenly quit and there would be no more yoga until they were able to get a new instructor. Oh, well. So, I sat at the registration desk to get my picture taken and get my little scanner card and they said I got a free personal training assessment that I could do right then instead seeing as the yoga class was cancelled and she called over the trainer guy.

Oh, shit. I thought. I do not want a personal trainer. I can't afford a personal trainer and I hate spotlight and tons of questions and I don't want someone yelling at me and telling me everything I'm doing is all wrong and blah, blah, blah, internal dialog. So the guy was pretty nice and he talked to me and he started a few things and he shared his philosophies. But then something else happened. He found every single tight spot and knot in my body and dug into it and had me do things to stretch and work.

There was something about him that just clicked with me. He talked about yoga. He had Buddha tattoos and tattoos of cool phrases and the lotus flower. 

There was just something that was telling me to do this. I signed up for twice a week for 3 months.

Personal training. I don't know how anyone else's personal training works. I don't know how he works with his other clients. I don't know how other personal trainers are. This is my experience with personal training and why it's nothing like I thought it would be and why it's not the training that is the key word, it's the word personal.

As an introvert, I usually like to be invisible when I go places. I don't like a lot of spotlight on me. I'm no good in groups, especially when there are a lot of people watching me or paying attention to me. But I can be very comfortable in one on one situations. Personal training is one on one. If I didn't like my trainer, it would be torture. I would have to be self-conscious and have a persona. But I love him. I can be myself. I'm not trying to please him. I am not in public persona mode. I'm able to be me.

Personal. As an introvert and a sensitive person. I'm usually paying attention to the needs of others and conscious of the energy in the room When I'm being trained, I'm the focus! It's really nice to have someone give me attention for 30-45 minutes for a change. I don't have to give back. It's my time. He's there for me. He's helping me. He wants good things for me. He's making sure my elbows are tucked in and my feet are in the right place and the weight is heavy enough or light enough for me!

Zen and the art of personal training. My personal trainer has this part mastered!! He doesn't motivate by yelling. He doesn't motivate by too many words. He doesn't motivate by telling me he's proud of me. He motivates me by being quiet. He motivates me by giving me things to do that I know are challenging for me. I know he's not babying me because of my age or my size or my illness. He motivates me by listening to me. He tells me stories when I ask him questions, but he doesn't preach.

I can hop on the bike and warm up and zone out for some cardio, but personal training is zen. It's yoga. It's present moment. I look forward to every session I have. My muscles feel challenged. My spirit feels free. My mind is awake.

It's September! New beginnings. I'm about to hit the 50 pound weight loss mark. That's just a number though, just like age.  I feel great. I'm happier in my body and happy with where I am in my life.

Room for Growth

In January of this year, before I even knew I was going to move, I decided to focus more on my present and do some decluttering. I decided that I would take out everything in my closets and put it on the floor. I would purge, organize and if took me a month, then so be it. Well, it took about a month, but I did it.

Then I found out about the renovations at my building and how they were raising the rents and kicking people out, etc. and the process of getting this new place started. I was happy at my old place, but this new place is a different level of a fresh start for me.

What I'm finding out is that the more I focus on being in the moment and being present, the more I'm enjoying my life and the more I'm open to possibilities that I didn't expect.

In March, after years and then more recently months of thinking about losing weight and denial about losing weight, I considered Jenny Craig.  I knew that Jenny Craig was supposed to have good tasting food (Nutrisystem is horrible). I also knew that it was my diet that was the key. I had tried losing weight with exercise and it doesn't work that way.

I decided on a Sunday that I was going to do it and I knew that it was one of those decisions that was a done deal. I had decided. I made an appointment for Monday. I'm still doing the program and I know how to adjust when I don't eat the food and I'm confident that I will lose even more than the 32 that I've lost. I feel good about it. It has taught me portion control and that it's not deprivation, it's freedom.

I used to connect food with love. Food with excitement. Food with fun. Now I connect food with hunger. I connect too much food with heaviness and feeling yucky. I find love, fun and excitement in other places.

Once I started my dieting, I started going back to yoga. Yoga is magic. Yoga is also expensive. But with my Fibro, I don't need to be a yoga rock star. I don't need to go 7 days a week. I started going 2 days a week. I bathed in the calm and the energy of studio. The gorgeousness of the now when you are in a pose or just breathing. I opened myself to the lessons of the mat.

In April, after season 7 of The Walking Dead ended, I decided to stop writing for Undead Walking. I loved UW for many reasons when I did it. I never knew I liked writing. I'm not a journalist, but I do enjoy writing about the characters in the show. I also met so many people through UW. It was a great experience.

But one Sunday night it dawned on me that I'd be writing about Fear, which I don't really love and I'd be tethered to Twitter and writing without new episodes of The Walking Dead until October. I thought of that on the Sunday following the end of Season 7 and I quit that night.

Now that I'm in my new place and the unbalanced time of packing and moving is behind me. Now that the chaos of the boxes and the garbage has made way for the serenity of the empty sink and the made bed, I look around and I am in awe of the space that has opened up in front of me.

I have space now to read. To go back to yoga. To go to the pool. To go shopping. To nap. To Tweet with my Twitter pals. To give myself a facial. To think. To daydream.

All because I started the year deciding to focus on the now and to give myself room to grow.

Two Life Lessons My Brother Never Knew He Taught Me

People always ask about the best advice you've ever received. I've learned 2 great lessons from my brother, but they weren't given to me as pieces of advice. He doesn't even remember them.

Lesson Number One: Not Complaining

When my brother was in college and did an internship, his college newspaper did an article about him and one of the questions was about his pet peeves. His answer for his pet peeve was complainers. I always remember that answer. It wasn't something that I expected. And it wasn't something like traffic or socks with sandals or not using turn signals.

I've noticed that in life since then in different ways. When I was in graduate school during the summer in Mississippi, a girl said to me once, "You never complain. I'm going to stop going on and on."

When I lived in Chicago and picked up my sister-in-law downtown at her work to head back up north to go to a Cubs game and there was a ton of rush hour traffic, she said to me, "Doesn't anything bother you?" I remember saying something like. "Of course, but it's rush hour and there's traffic. We'll get to the game."

Now I'm not saying I don't complain. I do. I am just more aware of it I think. I try not to annoy other people with constant complaining that they have to endure from me. I try to limit my complaining. I try to look at things from the point of view of what I can control and what I can't. And I try to avoid people who do nothing but complain.

This has helped me in my latest struggle with Fibromyalgia. I try my best not to get bogged down in a complaining mindset. I do complain and I long to be understood for my need to rest and I want people to know that I'm not faking or exaggerating my pain.  But I don't think complaining will help them understand me, and I don't want to be seen as a whiner or complainer.

Lesson Number Two: Allowing Room for Growth

When I used to work part time jobs for my brother's company, which provides files and file systems for companies, he once told me that they always leave a certain percentage of the system with empty space and files to allow "room for growth".

That phrase has stuck with me and I've used it in my life in many ways. With organizing and decluttering, it has obvious implications. I've made friends with empty space. If you fill everything completely, leaving no room for growth, the minute one new thing comes in, there's no place to put it and then you put it someplace "for now" or you stuff it in the drawer and what was the beautiful, organized space, now becomes overstuffed and begins to spin out of control.

Empty space is a beautiful thing in the physical environment and in your schedule. My niece and nephew always made fun of me for being on time or early when my other brother is always late. I explained to them my concept of buffer time. I allow a little extra time on both ends of the goal time. That takes care of unforeseen things like traffic, forgetting something and having to go back, an extra trip to the bathroom, a phone call, or stopping for gas, etc. I also like the quiet minutes I have when I arrive early. I don't like to rush all the time.

The minimalist movement is so extreme and takes a lot of energy-I like to just do my own version. I like things. I like happy things and cozy things. But I like to have just enough things and things I really like that allow me to have enough empty space to know what I have and enjoy those things. Empty space makes me feel free. It lets me rest. Lets my eyes rest. Lets my mind rest.

Empty space in the form of time makes my mind rest. When my schedule is not overcrowded, I know my body will not hurt in the same way it does when I overdo and don't build in rest. I know I will not be too tired to enjoy the things I actually do that day. I can browse. I can be present. I am not always living in the future because my present is too cluttered. I have room to grow.

Thanks, Billy! As I settle into my new place and into the next part of my life, I will take with me your lessons of not complaining and allowing room to grow!