Surrender, Acceptance and Demolition

Surrender. Sounds like giving up. I love words. Khris and I were talking about words today. Comprehension and how words don't always mean what we think they mean. There are deeper meanings to words and concepts.

I just read my first blog post from April when I was ready for things to start happening for myself. I had started little things already. I had started cleaning out closets and changing my diet. I had broken out of denial. I was ready to surrender. And I love control.

Acceptance. That was the word Khris mentioned today. That was where I had to get in order to surrender and move forward. I had to accept everything about where I was in order to break out of denial and, as he once put it, wave away all the smoke from in front of me.

Here are some of the words I wrote back then:

I'm really working on change that is true change and happiness change that works with who I am and treating myself with the same care and non-judgment I give to others. It's not a competition or a race. Yoga teaches me that. It's surrender. I need surrender. I love control. I need to let go. I need to be free. I need to live in the now.

Yoga makes you accept what is. Not what you wish were. That doesn't mean things can't change. But they haven't changed yet. You have to accept what is now before you can move. And the growth can be small. I can inhale and twist just a tiny bit more and in yoga I feel great about that. I was able to twist a tiny bit more because I didn't force it or get mad about it. I accepted where I was. I breathed in, I reached and if I got a little further, then I was happy, if I didn't, I still got a nice breath and a stretch.

Everything I have done in the last 2 years has brought me to this point and now I'm ready for my next steps. The renovations on my place are starting and the renovations on myself are beginning as well. It's demolition time! The results will be spectacular. I need to knock down some walls. I'm ready for the magic. I surrender!

I'm still in complete awe of the idea of personal training and how it has transformed my pain levels and my energy and my joy for life and my joy for working out. I used to always say that yoga was magic. Now I believe that training is magic and Khris is a magician.

There is surrender and acceptance in training. I come in without a care in the world and I know that he has a plan for me and I just do what he says. I don't ask questions or complain or wonder why he has me do the things he has me do. I'm past that. I just do. That may not be the right approach for other people and their training, but it's my approach. 

Why would I question or complain or wonder about something that gives me the joy and the results that it has given me. My goal is not weight loss or inches loss or measurable anything. I'm not competing for anything. My goal is to enjoy getting up and having a place to go and someone who is kind to me and makes me happy to be with him and takes away my pain. I didn't even know my goal when I started. 

That's my goal now. I want to have some accountability. I want to know that I'm getting up and going somewhere that there is someone waiting for me. Someone who wants me to feel better and who thinks about my well-being when I'm there and is happy to see me. I know I'll get through this winter because of him. 

It's amazing how fast things have gone since I wrote those things in April. Now that I have a magician in my corner, I wonder where things will go next! I really don't know. I accept where I am. I surrender!