Re-Revisiting Process: The Anti-Goal and Listening

I'm not very competitive by nature. That doesn't mean I'm never competitive, but competition is not my default position and it doesn't drive me. For some people competition is a great motivator and works wonders. It's just not what works for me. I have some theories as to why that is, but ultimately, it just is.

I'm an introvert so I don't have a lot of need for external approval. I know what I believe and like and want and what others believe and like and want for me doesn't influence me much at all. Actually, I usually don't even want to know. I want to be liked, I just don't want to be approved of. That's a subtle difference, but a big one for me.

I want to be liked for who I already am. If you like me because I've changed what I wear, what I like,  or who I am because of your influence, that's false and it is more hurtful than you not liking me in the first place. So my self-esteem doesn't go up if I do or wear things you say you like and then you compliment me.

Another thing that occurred to me about competition is that I was the tomboy girl in the neighborhood that played in the street with all the boys, but the boys never wanted the girl on their team so I would be on both teams all the time. I'd be the all-time pitcher or all-time runner or all-time something. So I never was really invested in which team won because I was on both teams. (It was the 70s!)

So when it came to losing weight, dieting and exercising, goal setting and competing, even with myself, isn't a big part of my process. It's funny when other people ask questions because that's the first thing they ask. What's your goal? Or how many more pounds do you want to lose? Or if I say I'm down to 190, they will say, 175 is next. I'm like, no, 189 is next. (And maybe it will be 191 and then 189 and then 192 and then 190 and then 189.)

Something dieters are prone to saying is that maintenance is the hard part or that losing is easy it's keeping it off that's hard. I think that is because they have been too competitive and too goal-oriented during the process and haven't just focused on the process.

My trainer often talks about process. Many people like talking to him, but not that many people actually listen to him. People tend to like to show off what they know instead of taking in new information or a different point of view. That's another case where I think I have an advantage as an introvert. I listen. That doesn't mean I agree with everything I hear or I change what I believe according to the new information I get. It means I listen.

If what I'm hearing doesn't line up with something I know about myself, I don't feel the need to interject that. For example, when Khris first talked about the fact that he didn't eat meat, I didn't feel the need to broadcast that I was not willing to give up meat or I didn't think it was necessary to give up meat or that I loved meat or that I didn't have the moral conviction about giving up meat. I just listened.

At that time, I wasn't ready to give up meat. I had no reason to do so. I had nothing compelling me to do so. It was part of my diet and I was able to lose weight with it. I ate small amounts. I liked it. I still like it. What's different now is that even though I like it, I don't feel that great after I eat it.

That is a compelling reason not to eat it. So I don't or I don't very often. I won't declare myself a vegetarian or vegan because I don't have compelling enough reasons to think that I will never ever eat meat again. I probably will. And maybe every time I do, I'll feel crummy and decide to avoid it again. Or maybe I'll have a turkey sandwich once a month and I'll be fine with that. But listening to Khris and the way he presented things and not fighting him allowed me to discover that on my own.

Just yesterday when I did my kettlebell swings, Khris asked me what I ate before training. He rarely asks me about what I eat, but he did yesterday. I had eaten a protein cookie. It was convenient and I didn't have any protein shakes in the refrigerator or any bananas or any almond milk for oatmeal squares cereal and I didn't have time to toast a bagel and have that with peanut butter.

I told him that I haven't been eating meat, but I've been eating all grains and I haven't been eating fruit or vegetables. I've been neglecting my smoothies and just eating brown rice or veggie pasta or peanut butter sandwiches on multigrain bread and eating protein cookies and Triscuits and snacking on BelVita biscuits.

He told me I should add some fruit and I could start slowly by just adding an orange and some grapes and adding a little jelly to my peanut butter sandwich. I did just that. I didn't try to think about long term or anything beyond just doing that little change for now.  I didn't fight with him about how I don't like fruit and I wish I liked more fruit and I hate the texture of fruit and lettuce. I didn't worry about why I could foresee problems adding more fruit consistently. I just did it. I did what I could.

He also told me when I left that I should stay home and not try to come to the Tuesday class if I was tired. It was like he knew that I needed that little bit of push to stay home. That permission.

I did. I stayed home. I slept in and this morning when I weighed myself, I was 179! I was under 180 for the first time ever, after hovering in the low 180s for over 2 months!!! I thought I'd never see the 70s. I wasn't worried about it. If I stayed at 180, that was fine. But listening and making a small change and allowing myself to rest was rewarded immediately.

Focusing on the process is the goal. The process never ends. The process continues forever. So maintenance and keeping the weight off shouldn't be any more difficult than losing the weight if the focus is the same. Losing weight wasn't easy, but it seemed easy because I was never focused on an end goal. I was focused on the process. I focused on the small changes over time.

I never got mad at myself or frustrated or thought I was failing. I never felt like giving up or pigging out or thought it wasn't worth it. Back in January of 2017, I decided to start focusing on living in the present and not in the past or the future. That was 2 months before I even decided to lose weight. I think that change in mindset served me well in my decision to lose weight.

I'm always in training. Process is a better goal than any goal you can have because it is always the same goal. You don't have to update your goal. It's self-updating. The updates reveal themselves along the way if you open your eyes, your ears and your heart and listen.


Previous Posts about Process: the Anti-Goal:

Revisiting the Anti-Goal-Next Level Shit

Process: The Anti-Goal