The Fight

We've arrived at the toughest time of the year for me. I've always had the hardest time in January and February. I don't always remember that until January and February arrive. Many a January while teaching I considered quitting teaching and becoming a flight attendant or I researched retirement homes in Florida. Then by March or April, I loved teaching again and I was ready for spring walks and dreamed of sitting on the porch and reading.

Last January I cleaned out all my closets and got rid of clutter in my apartment. In March, I suddenly decided to take control of my diet and lose weight. I still don't know what came over me or how it happened, but it happened. I knew it was going to work and I haven't looked back. So this January and February will be the last 2 months before it hits the one year mark for me and my eating changes. I've lost almost 60 pounds at this point.

This dead of winter time might still be tough on me this year, but I know I have working out to keep me going and challenged. I just ordered a pair of size 12 jeans that probably won't fit me quite yet, but they will be ready for me to use as something to look forward to for February or March or April. I will get into them! Last year at this time I was wearing size 22 jeans.

I am so glad I approached things sensibly and with the attitude that things would take time. I have seen people get frustrated and give up when they don't get results fast enough. I have been in denial and tried quick fixes myself so many times. Denial is completely shattered now. I know what it takes to lose or maintain and the delicate balance of calories and nutrition.

I'm still so grateful that my path crossed with my trainer and that I started working out in such a deliberate and strategic way. Especially at this time of year when it would be so easy to skip classes or skip going to the gym on my own because it's cold out or because I'm tired. I don't skip my training because I have a time set up and because I love seeing my friend and I know how good I feel.

I know he makes my workout progressively more challenging for me and I can tell he considers things like my posture and my weaknesses and works on those. I wouldn't do that for myself or even know how.

I don't know how it is for other people and their personal trainers, but for me, it has changed my life in ways that I appreciate so much. I can't wait to go. I enjoy every minute of it, even when I am struggling to do something. If you have lived with constant, unrelenting pain for a really long time and then it just disappears, it's kind of an amazing thing.

It's a different pain than soreness from working out or back pain or butt bone pain or other pain that I still have. It was a constant ache. Like the flu body aches or like your body is one huge black bruise and you have to get off your feet and even while lying down you just ache. My shin bones would feel broken just crossing my ankles. My feet and heels would feel like I was walking on glass. My shoulders felt like they had ice picks stuck in them. I couldn't lift a pan full of water with one hand. There was pain of some kind everywhere.

That is gone. I can get up off the floor now. I can wash my hair and rub my skin. I almost don't remember what it was like. I'm so happy not to have that type of pain all the time.

When you have constant pain that doesn't let up, it changes you. It exhausts you emotionally. You already have physical exhaustion and then you have emotional exhaustion on top of that. It would just build up. The pain didn't necessarily get worse, it would just not stop. There would be times when I would cry walking through the grocery store. It had just built up over days and the emotional exhaustion had to release itself.

I'm really happy for myself that I'm losing weight and looking better and able to wear smaller clothes and my face is not all puffy. But I'm even happier that I can keep up with my house cleaning and I can cross my legs and I can take a shower without crying and I can walk at a brisk pace again. I'm much too young to feel like an old person.

For too long I thought that having Fibromyalgia meant coming to terms with having that pain and that I had to accept that my body was going to act like an old person's body. I don't accept that anymore. I can fight.