When In Doubt, Clean!

Last night I read a little book I had on my Kindle. I've accumulated lots of little free books on my Kindle. I have been a little funky the last few weeks without exercising and I was looking for a little something to give me a boost.

This book was called Powerful Minimalist Mindset. It wasn't fantastic, but it gave me a little mantra to help me. When in doubt, clean!

It was about 5 steps to clearing the clutter in your mind. It started with clearing physical clutter. It's interesting how many places I've encountered the clearing of physical clutter in books that are not about that.

I've read books about saving money that begin with cleaning your house. I've read books about success that begin with cleaning your house. I started my own New Year New Me road in 2017 with the idea of focusing on living in the present and that started with cleaning my house, decluttering and organizing.

It is interesting to look at decluttering as a way of grounding yourself. A way of keeping yourself in the present moment. A form of meditation. Just reading about it and thinking about it made me feel lighter and less funky.

I went to yoga today and got my stitches out. Just being out and doing yoga and thinking about doing a little maintenance clearing and cleaning of my house and my closet was enough to change my mood considerably. It was pretty remarkable. The power of now.

My mind had been getting cluttered while I couldn't exercise. The mind and the body are connected.

Next time I feel like I am getting cobwebs in my brain or I'm overthinking or overfeeling, and can't get in a workout, I have another alternative that will ground me into the present moment that I need to remember. When in doubt, clean!

My Come Back

Thank goodness I get my stitches out tomorrow afternoon. I am ready for my come back! My back is killing me after not being allowed to work out much during these 2 skin cancer surgery things.

I got a few massages. I hung out with Jack and swam a little. I went kayaking one day and I went for a walk yesterday. It felt really good to get outside and move and sweat but my hip hurt a little and my elbow. I'm not complaining; I'm just remembering.

I still am not feeling the type of muscle pain in my legs or arms or ribcage or neck that I used to feel, but just the beginning of some pain and fatigue and emotional instability returning makes me appreciate how far I have come and how much I like the changes I've made and how much I want to keep going.

My eating has stayed pretty clean during this rest time, but I have to go back into things knowing that I'm going to be starting over in many ways. I have to keep myself in check about any frustrations. I'm going to be tired. I'm going to be sore. I might be weaker. But that will all sort itself out and I will get better and better again.

Tomorrow is the start of my come back! I have sessions left at the yoga studio that I need to use this week because classes at the gym have changed and the classes I used to go to aren't offered anymore. There's still yoga on the weekends for me at the gym.

It will be so great when the KBuddah gym opens, but I don't want to wish away the summer. I need to get into a good routine before my new fall routine starts. I can walk, too. That can be a good summer activity to integrate with yoga and training.

Okay, where's the Rocky theme music?

Dolce Far Niente

Dolce Far Niente: The sweetness of doing nothing. I first heard this Italian phrase in an episode of the old The Dick Van Dyke Show. I heard it again in Eat, Pray, Love. Americans have a guilt about doing nothing. We don't know how to enjoy it. I've never had that problem.

My yoga teacher is getting used to us now and has started telling little stories before class. My old yoga teacher, Jenny, used to do that. Today, Shiree talked about the beauty of restorative yoga and how it was a more advanced practice than we realize and how it was great that we were making time for it.

She talked about a book she was reading called In Praise of Wasting Time by Alan Lightman. She talked about how older generations used to sit on porches and things like that.

When I was a kid, we used to play games outside or ride our bikes all the time in the summer. Or we used to sit outside and talk. I remember learning my states and capitals because my dad made up a game and he would just quiz us on our states and capitals when we would sit outside in on the patio in the summertime.

My yoga teacher told us about how a student did research recently on how the most 311 calls about non-emergencies come from Harlem. How with all the new restoration and expensive homes there now people complain about noise and people sitting on their stoops hanging out talking and listening to music, like they always did before the internet culture and fast-paced business and organized activity world.

I remember when I was a kid and I would daydream or think about things, my mom would tell me to wake up because I wouldn't be able to sleep later. I would tell her I wasn't sleeping; I was thinking!

When I was a teacher and we would have meetings, I was always annoyed when they pushed us to come up with ideas for things immediately at the meeting. I can't come up with an idea that fast. I need time to think. I need to do nothing for a bit and have it roll around in my head. I need to drive or take a shower or close my eyes and think.

I remember somewhere reading that creativity is on the other side of boredom. That when we don't let ourselves or our children be bored for even one second, we are depriving ourselves of our most creative ideas. I know that if I am going to do a big project like organizing a closet or creating a lesson for school or designing my classroom, I take my time and let it roll around my head for a long time.

I think about it. I imagine it. I change my mind. I look around stores at things that have nothing to do with what I'm thinking about because there might be something there that will spark an idea that I never considered. I look up ideas on the internet. I get ideas from things that are the opposite of what I'm thinking about. I'm always glad I didn't just jump into it. And a lot happens when it appears I'm just looking around doing nothing.

Another interesting thing I remember learning about yoga a long time ago from Rodney Yee at a yoga conference is that yoga is really about opening your body and preparing it for meditation. Preparing it to get comfortable enough to sit still for a long time. Flexibility is not about stretching for movement. It's about stretching to stay still.

Something that just occurred to me this very second is the idea of stillness and flexibility in life and even dealing with anger is all about just that. I can stretch and be aware of my anger or irritation and be flexible enough to just stay still. I don't need to react. I can be strong and irritated and in pain and yet be still and comfortable. Just as in a strong yoga pose. My muscles may be tense and working, or I may even just have an itch on my nose, but to look at me, I am strong, calm and relaxed.

See, ideas and lessons come to you when you allow time to do nothing. Dolce far niete.

Freedom, Gratitude, Rebellion, and Yoga

This week in yoga our teacher has been playing Imagine by the Beatles at the beginning of class and talking about freedom and gratitude for the freedoms we have and connecting it to the freedom of movement in our bodies and freedom to choose different options in poses and listening to our bodies as we do yoga. She is doing this in conjunction with the 4th of July, obviously, and has told some interesting stories about other countries.

It connected with me from something that happened on the 4th of July with someone on Khris's Facebook who always challenges him on any posts he shares about racial injustice. I don't think the guy necessarily has ill intentions, but he told Khris he should put away racism for one day and be grateful for the freedoms that he does have.

When I heard my yoga teacher talking about gratitude for the freedoms we have today in class, it struck me funny for a second, but it was different coming from her.

It was different in a few ways. First of all, she was including herself. She wasn't telling us to be grateful as if she was more important than us and as if we should just shut up and not bother her.

She was kind. She was helping us to be kind to ourselves. She wasn't telling us to suck it up; she was telling us to be compassionate and she was compassionate.

And the thing that struck me the hardest was when she said this: what will be your freedom today? How will you express your freedom? How will you be grateful for your freedom? What will be your rebellion?

She included rebellion as freedom! We are free to rebel.

Today I am grateful for my body and the freedom I have to move it. How moving helps me rebel against my pain. I rebel against the slide toward negativity and misunderstanding. Toward living in the past or the future. I am grateful for the now. I am grateful for the lessons the universe presents to me if I pay attention.

P.S. I came across this article on a yoga/buddhist Twitter page this evening that goes well with this post. It talks about freedom and the song Imagine.

The Fibromyalgia Whisperer

I've called Khris my Fibromyalgia Whisperer. I was telling my nephew about my training today. He lives in Denver now after graduating from college. He's working out there now. He has started to do some weight training. He knew I had lost weight and was exercising, but he didn't know what I was doing exactly and didn't know about my pain going away.

I gave him my blog link so hopefully he checks it out! It's funny, he's been meditating for the past few years after reading The Power of Now by Eckart Tolle.  He asked me about audiobooks, which Khis and I have been talking about and he asked me if I had ever been in a floating tank and Khris had just been talking about those, too. Billy said it was like meditation on steroids. And he asked me about yoga and he wants to try to do some yoga, too. Khris is not namaste on the yoga, but that's okay, he weaves it into training! (hahaha)

Anyway, I have had to take an unexpected rest from working out for a week because of my skin cancer surgery on my neck and I've noticed a few things. Fortunately, I had Jack visiting me so I didn't miss working out as much as I would have because I got to go swimming a little and play catch with a tennis ball in the water with him. I couldn't go under the water, but I got to go in.

The first 2 days after my surgery I couldn't have worked out even if I wanted to because I was just exhausted from the surgery itself and my stitches were pulling and sore. I did a lot of napping and resting.

I went to yoga on the 3rd day and just did what I could. It was a flow class and it was too much for me at one point just from an exhaustion standpoint. I stayed in child's pose with tears coming for about 15 minutes and then rejoined the class. The post-surgery exhaustion reminded me of the crushing fatigue that I used to have all the time.

I don't have the same type of pain again that I used to in my thighs and arms and everywhere, but I've started to have back pain and just some stiffness when I stand up or when I move in different ways that reminds me how things used to be. It's not even close to the pain I had. It's just a stiffness when I stand and move after sitting for awhile that is not the ease I am used to with training. My back and butt have a gripping and pain when I'm sitting that I haven't had in a long time.

It reinforces what I already knew to be true about my experience with weight loss and exercise and training. It's the training that is the Fibro magic. I love that I've lost weight. I love yoga. Yoga has a magic all its own. It is a mind/body workout. But training is even magicker. Yoga has books written about how it is an arthritis cure. Khris is a Fibro cure.

Cardio is useless. The cardio that is mixed with training is fantastic. The cardio that I get with burpees or the sled or walkouts or push-ups that makes me sweat and gives me curly hair is what I need.  The cardio that the doctors recommend for Fibro patients because they think that's all we can handle without overdoing it, is not the answer.

My doctor said she wants me to write a book. I think I've said that before. Well, I will continue to write about the magic of training. Again, I am fortunate to be retired so I can rest and train. I don't know how I would do if I was working and trying to train hard and rest and work, but I can't go back now, I can only go forward. I do know I did better some years at work when I was doing step aerobics at night and yoga in the morning before work. I didn't lose weight then because I didn't have a handle on the food part. But again. I can't go back. I can only go forward.

I know I can't wait to get back to training. My incision/stitches are healing nicely and I'm allowed to start exercising without restriction now. My instructions were to gradually resume lifting and conditioning type exercises after a week.  I went to the gym with Billy tonight and did a workout on my own, but it wasn't fun like my training! I am grateful for my Fibro Whisperer!           

Unexpected Events

I had my skin cancer removed from my neck the other day. I had had it removed once before, actually twice before. The first time I had it frozen or burned off with liquid nitrogen. The second time I had it excised and stitched.

This time I had Mohs surgery, where they cut it out and stitch it. They examine what they cut out to make sure that there is no cancer anywhere around the area they examine or they go back and continue until everything is clear. Fortunately, she cut out plenty the first time so then she stitched it up. It is a rather large area, about 3 and a half inches on my neck to the back of my ear.

I didn't realize how long the incision would be. I knew it would be bigger than the last time, but it is really big. I remembered that it hurt a little afterward the last time and I was worn out a little, but you always forget things like that after time passes.

This time because the incision is so long, it really pulls when I turn my neck. I will really have to make adjustments and take special care when I return to yoga.

I've learned how far I've come in the last year in so many ways and how grateful I am about so many things. I'm grateful that I spent so much of my life in my teaching career, which allowed me to do the work I always wanted to do and loved to do.

I'm grateful that somehow that work also came with benefits that I never anticipated, mainly, the ability to retire early and even retire extra early because of my medical issues. I worked my ass off and gave my heart and soul during the 29 years I taught. But not many people get to retire as early as I have, even with the pay cut, and I have health insurance.

I have time to take care of myself. If I was still working, I wouldn't be able to train and rest the way I can now, which has completely changed my pain management, and my health and my disposition. After having the skin cancer procedure, I'm reminded how much my body doesn't bounce back from traumatic experiences the same way as other people's bodies do. I'm not allowed to exercise right now, and it's a good thing.

I've been sleeping until noon. I'm exhausted. I went out today for just a few hours. I just came home and I'm completely wiped out. It's the way I used to feel all the time, but without the allover pain. I do feel like my new healthier body and training has given me a better bounce back than I would have had previously.

I think i will recover from this faster and better than I would have before. But it is reminding me that I have to listen to my body. I can't rush back to training or yoga just to be cool. Khris told me not to rush, he said to look how far I've come and that we have plenty of time. That made me feel supported and good.

I didn't expect this little set back. I asked when I could exercise. I forgot to think about when I would be ready to exercise. But I know now that my body will guide me and Khris will guide me to do the proper things. I don't feel upset or deflated about this weird turn of events. If I lose a little bit of something when I return, I'll get it back soon enough.

Finding People and Finding Myself: A Lesson from Morgan

On The Walking Dead, one of my favorite characters is Morgan. He has gone through some deep transformations to try to keep himself going. Some very all or nothing ways of thinking and acting to deal with the loneliness and the harsh realities of what the apocalypse has taken from him.

In his clear phase, he thought he had to atone for his lack of courage by killing all of the zombies and even the other people in his path in order to rid the world of suffering that came with this plague. He thought that part of his punishment including living alone and watching all of the suffering.

Then he was taught a different way that was the other extreme: all life is precious. He tried to not kill any human even in self-defense. This extreme caused unexpected conflict with the very people he was trying to protect and those he loved, causing even more internal conflict and confusion.

Something Morgan said when he decided he needed to leave was that he loses people and then he loses himself. He clung to his Aikido and all life is precious because he was afraid of losing more people and of losing himself again.

As I thought about loneliness (from yesterday's post)  and I've been reading some books today about life and about happiness, I thought of Morgan. I believe that for me, when I find people, I lose myself. I need to find a way to find people and not lose myself.

Once you lose yourself, and focus on the needs and wants of other people or focus on the idea that other people and their reactions will somehow make you happy, then you become lost and lonely. Other people can't fill you and they can't be expected to.

It's an artificial high. And you need more and more to keep getting happy. There are always more zombies to clear. That doesn't mean I don't need people. I certainly do.  And they can make me happy to be around them. But I can't stop being happy when they aren't around.  I can't lose myself because I found them.

I think that's a lesson that has presented itself to me over and over and over in my life, and I'm finally understanding in a more profound way.  I can have friends that love me for who I am and love being around me when they are around me, but don't love me only for what I do for them or only in a one-sided way that I have to somehow keep afloat.

I can find people and find myself at the same time.