Aim for the Head!

I just woke up in the middle of the night, which I don't do much anymore, and for some reason I started thinking about why the story of my closets last January seems to come up so much in my blog. I think it's really where things started happening for me in some significant ways. Looking back it might be more meaningful than I realized at the time.

Art by League of 1

At the time it was a conscious decision to start living in the present moment more. I knew I had issues with getting caught up with focusing too much on the future and living in my head. I still live in my head too much, but I'm much better at getting out of the future. I noticed that I'm much happier when I focus on the now. I get myself in trouble when I let myself get entangled in the future.

I live alone so I was able to attack it by pulling everything out of both my hall closet and my bedroom closet and even my linen closet and putting it on the floor. I wanted the closets to be completely empty and nothing to go back in them unless it belonged. I knew it was not the normal way to do things, but it was what I needed at the time.

I needed to face it. I needed to make sure I didn't do a little bit and then not really do it completely. I needed to make sure I didn't just organize it without really purging and getting rid of everything that needed to go because I got tired in the middle of doing it. I needed it to be done right.

Looking back at that now, I see that perhaps, for me, it was so important a task because it visually represented denial. I could keep the house clean and neat and still have my closets filled with crap I didn't need, didn't want, and that wasn't organized the way I wanted. Other people might never see it, but I knew it was there. I might not think about it all the time, but when I opened the closet doors, there it was weighing me down and reminding me that my shit was not as together as I made it out to be.

If I wanted to break through denial in other areas of my life, maybe I needed to break through there first. Maybe I needed to literally walk through and over the excess and the mess in my house for a month and look at it to see it. Maybe I needed to slowly chip away at it an hour a day and then live my life with the mess still with me to finally see that I can survive with the mess and if I just keep working at it, I will eventually get some control over the mess.

Art by Justin Hillgrove 

If I just put the mess back in the closet so I can live my life without looking at it, I will never get control of it. I may look like I have control of it, but it's still there. It's still controlling me from behind those doors and drawers.

Something I have always loved about the idea of zombies is that they are ugly. They are ugly yet they really aren't They aren't ugly because they were beautiful human beings and spirits once. Something happened to them that took away their souls and made them hunger for the flesh of the living to keep them alive. But they are not malicious. They have no ill-will. No evil intent.

They are ugly and they force us to look at them. There is so much ugly in life that must be faced. Like a zombie, even though the ugly in our lives might not have intentional evil intent, it still must be lived with at times. But often it must simply be killed. You can't just hide, wound or push away the zombie that is attacking you. It will keep coming. We can't just hide or push away denial or mess in our lives; it will keep coming. We must face it and we must kill it.

Aim for the head!!!

Process: The Anti-goal

I love when certain lessons or topics seem to present themselves over and over all of a sudden from the universe. This topic has popped up recently from all over. The idea of being impatient with waiting for results and having goals being more of a hurt than a help sometimes. We've all seen the quotes about living in the moment and enjoying the process.

Process is a word my trainer uses a lot. It's a word that has to be looked at more carefully to really make it mean something and work for you. We talked about it a little today. He talked about how so many people look at what they want and they don't see what it takes to get there: the process. In other words, want vs. need.

If you look at the girls in the gym that you want to look like or be like and just focus on what they look like and don't think about what your actual needs are, you'll inevitably be frustrated. You can't skip steps. And everyone's needs are different.

After I stopped working, I moved to Lombard and then I sort of hibernated and really buried myself into a new world of blogging with Undead Walking as a way of transitioning into life without teaching and living with such exhaustion and pain. When I decided last January to focus on living more in the moment and focusing on myself, my process was very slow.

I pulled everything out of my closets and told myself that I would declutter and organize and if it took me a month to do it because of my pain and fatigue, then so be it. I walked over clothes and stuff for about a month until day by day it slowly disappeared as I chipped away at it an hour or so a day.

When I started dieting in March, I didn't have a goal in mind about how much weight I wanted to lose, I just wanted to start losing. I still don't have a goal. I remember thinking. I want to be smaller by Christmas. I'm not even going to think about it until much later in the year. I'm not going to get frustrated, I'm just going to keep at it.

It's actually more frustrating when people ask how much I want to lose. I don't have a number. I'm happy where I am and I also want to keep losing. It really has allowed me to stay in the moment and be about the process. I feel good as it happens. I'm not focused on how far I have to go or worry if I'm up or down or ruminate on why. It just goes up and down and will eventually keep going down if I stick to it.

I was very lucky to find the trainer I found because he is not focused on goals. He is focused on the process. He doesn't tell me how much weight he is putting on machines. He just puts it on there. He adjusts the exercises for me to make sure I'm progressing and he has the confidence in me to choose things he knows will challenge me, but he also knows I can do if I try.

On the rare occasion he inadvertently chooses something that is too hard for me, he inconspicuously adjusts the weight or somehow adjusts the exercise, but doesn't make a big deal about it. And him telling me a while back not to wear baggy clothes anymore was a big turning point for me. When you feel better, you walk taller and you act like a fit person, even if you are still fluffy!!

The process is the goal. Have fun picking out workout clothes. I have fun washing my workout clothes every week and I hate laundry. Have fun figuring out your healthy meals. Have fun wearing clothes that fit your body. Have fun not judging yourself. Have fun taking care of yourself in other ways. Take care of your skin. Get a massage. Clean your house or go the movies. Take your healthy attitude to the other areas of your life.

Think about what your life would look like if you already looked like the girls in the gym that you think you want to look like. Do those things NOW! You don't need to look like that to do those same things. That is the goal. The process is the goal!

Tips for Getting the Most From Your Personal Training

My trainer told me something funny today. He said that some people just expect to get results from training because they hire a trainer. It's the classic looking outside yourself for answers. They just want to say they have a trainer or they think the accountability of having someone tell them what to do or having a place to go is going to make the difference. The answers are still inside yourself.

After 6 months of training with my trainer, who is arguably (pun intended) the best and most caring trainer around, here are some of the tips I have for making the most of having a trainer. And yes, I do like saying "my trainer", but that's not what gets the results.

Pay attention.

Watch and listen when your trainer is showing you things. Try to remember the names of the machines or exercises for future reference. Don't interrupt to show off what you know. Listen. You can show off what you know by doing the exercises correctly and correcting your form when you catch yourself doing things wrong. You can show off what you know by walking to the right machine when the trainer tells you what you're going to do next. 

Communicate, but don't complain.

Ask questions and let your trainer know if you have problems or pain or truly can't do something, but never complain. Act like everything you have to do is just fine with you. If you have to make faces or breathe hard or struggle, so be it, just don't complain. Let the trainer make the adjustments for you. 

Don't be embarrassed. 

Your trainer should want to help you. Don't be embarrassed to try things. If you fall or do things that are different and outside your comfort zone, try to look at it as part of the fun. I have done some crazy looking stuff. I have fallen. I have hopped. 

Enjoy the attention.

You are the spotlight. It's your time. Enjoy it. Accept it. Receive it. Don't shut out the help that you have decided you need and you have finally asked for and you deserve. 

Stay in the moment. 

Working out with a trainer is an excellent way to work your mind and body in a meditative/yoga-like way if you stay in the moment. Focus on the actual work. Breathe into your muscles. Breathe into the pain. Just breathe. Check your attitude. If you're thinking that you hate being there or it's hard, you're missing the opportunity to learn and grow from the yoga lessons of becoming strong through stress. Be happy you're there. Enjoy every moment and focus on each exercise and remaining calm in the struggle. 

Keep your goals fluid

This one might seem controversial. Most people tell you to make your goals tangible or measurable. I've had more success recently with more fluid and present moment goals. They are bigger than they seem. I have been happy with getting stronger and with losing weight steadily as it comes. It seems like that is wishy washy and would set me up for failure. But I'm attacking it with a different attitude. I'm not wishy washy at all.

I know I am in this for the long haul. I know that I will be losing consistently. I'm not going to give up if I don't hit certain numbers at certain times. I've lost about 60 pounds in 11 months. I have gone through months where I lost no pounds, but I kept eating right and working out. I didn't know 60 pounds ago how many pounds I wanted to lose. I just started losing and didn't worry about it. 

When I started working out in August, I only wanted to lose more weight. I had no idea my pain would go away and I would want to get stronger and shape my body in a different way and feel more confident in ways that have nothing to do with my body. Sometimes your goals can reveal themselves from the training. Keep your eyes open! There should be some surprises! 

Just hiring a trainer will not change you. You have to show up for yourself. If you make the decision to hire a trainer, make the most of it! 

The Fight

We've arrived at the toughest time of the year for me. I've always had the hardest time in January and February. I don't always remember that until January and February arrive. Many a January while teaching I considered quitting teaching and becoming a flight attendant or I researched retirement homes in Florida. Then by March or April, I loved teaching again and I was ready for spring walks and dreamed of sitting on the porch and reading.

Last January I cleaned out all my closets and got rid of clutter in my apartment. In March, I suddenly decided to take control of my diet and lose weight. I still don't know what came over me or how it happened, but it happened. I knew it was going to work and I haven't looked back. So this January and February will be the last 2 months before it hits the one year mark for me and my eating changes. I've lost almost 60 pounds at this point.

This dead of winter time might still be tough on me this year, but I know I have working out to keep me going and challenged. I just ordered a pair of size 12 jeans that probably won't fit me quite yet, but they will be ready for me to use as something to look forward to for February or March or April. I will get into them! Last year at this time I was wearing size 22 jeans.

I am so glad I approached things sensibly and with the attitude that things would take time. I have seen people get frustrated and give up when they don't get results fast enough. I have been in denial and tried quick fixes myself so many times. Denial is completely shattered now. I know what it takes to lose or maintain and the delicate balance of calories and nutrition.

I'm still so grateful that my path crossed with my trainer and that I started working out in such a deliberate and strategic way. Especially at this time of year when it would be so easy to skip classes or skip going to the gym on my own because it's cold out or because I'm tired. I don't skip my training because I have a time set up and because I love seeing my friend and I know how good I feel.

I know he makes my workout progressively more challenging for me and I can tell he considers things like my posture and my weaknesses and works on those. I wouldn't do that for myself or even know how.

I don't know how it is for other people and their personal trainers, but for me, it has changed my life in ways that I appreciate so much. I can't wait to go. I enjoy every minute of it, even when I am struggling to do something. If you have lived with constant, unrelenting pain for a really long time and then it just disappears, it's kind of an amazing thing.

It's a different pain than soreness from working out or back pain or butt bone pain or other pain that I still have. It was a constant ache. Like the flu body aches or like your body is one huge black bruise and you have to get off your feet and even while lying down you just ache. My shin bones would feel broken just crossing my ankles. My feet and heels would feel like I was walking on glass. My shoulders felt like they had ice picks stuck in them. I couldn't lift a pan full of water with one hand. There was pain of some kind everywhere.

That is gone. I can get up off the floor now. I can wash my hair and rub my skin. I almost don't remember what it was like. I'm so happy not to have that type of pain all the time.

When you have constant pain that doesn't let up, it changes you. It exhausts you emotionally. You already have physical exhaustion and then you have emotional exhaustion on top of that. It would just build up. The pain didn't necessarily get worse, it would just not stop. There would be times when I would cry walking through the grocery store. It had just built up over days and the emotional exhaustion had to release itself.

I'm really happy for myself that I'm losing weight and looking better and able to wear smaller clothes and my face is not all puffy. But I'm even happier that I can keep up with my house cleaning and I can cross my legs and I can take a shower without crying and I can walk at a brisk pace again. I'm much too young to feel like an old person.

For too long I thought that having Fibromyalgia meant coming to terms with having that pain and that I had to accept that my body was going to act like an old person's body. I don't accept that anymore. I can fight.

My word for 2018: Stomp!

STOMP!!

It's New Year's Resolution time. I just read a cool article on alternatives to resolutions. One idea was to choose a word for the year. Something to remind you of your focus. A word that can help you think about what's important to you.

That's so much deeper and more meaningful and less quantifiable. People usually say quantifying makes a goal better. but in some cases, it makes it a way to set yourself up for giving up. This is more interesting because it lets you just keep picking yourself up and moving toward your word. There's no failure.

My word came to me somehow as I went through words that were too fancy sounding or too narrow and didn't really mean anything to me that inspired me. STOMP! 

Stomp to me has nothing to do with being aggressive or pushy. It means I want to be confident. I want to get stronger. I want to keep stomping my fears.

I like the image of me doing my Bosu Burpees that I learned to do properly yesterday. I was doing them wrong before. I was jumping with my legs too close and too light on my toes, which was hurting my poor little shins. When I learned to jump with my feet apart and really stick it, nothing hurt and they became fun! Stomp!! 

I like the image of Snoopy stomping around with his straight arms. It's happy. Kirk Franklin holy ghost stomping is happy!! I want to happy stomp!! 

I want to confidently stomp on my own worries with a smile and not care what other people think. I want to do it in a very non-nonchalant way, not an aggressive way that brings that aggressive energy back to me. I want the happy, light, carefree energy. Stomping is carefree! 

Brooding, assuming, over-thinking, worrying, pacifying, pleasing, second-guessing, explaining, defending, giving up, giving away, those are all careful and not carefree.

If you let aggression out, not out on other people, just out, sometimes what seems aggressive is actually very healthy and easy and allows you to let go of of all of those things instead of letting that aggression turn inward. Letting your muscles store it. 

So I'm going to Stomp in 2018. I'm going to get stronger, more confident, happier, and more honest! 

Walking tall!

I am walking tall into 2018. Literally and figuratively. No more Snoopy vulture posture for me. I am walking tall and proud. I am learning to love myself in ways that truly allow me to stand tall and shed more than pounds.

On the very first day I met Khris, he talked about how he would work with me in training in ways that would help me from the top down. He talked about the bump on the back of my neck and how my head would eventually come up and sit on top of my spine instead of so forward. I remember being intrigued by that. He didn't talk about losing weight, he talked about my head on top of my spine.

He hasn't mentioned that since the first day, but whenever he does talk about our training, he never mentions weight. He says I'm getting stronger or he tells me I'm working hard.

Today when I was putting lotion on myself, I just happened to glance in the mirror and I noticed that the hump on my neck seemed like it wasn't as pronounced. I didn't know if I was imagining it or not.

I asked Khris what he thought when I got to the gym. He said it was definitely bigger when I first came. He said it was the rows and other things he's been having me work on. He said my posture is way different. I'm more confident. I'm stronger. I hold myself different.

I really thought that hump was something biological. I thought it was skeletal. Apparently, I can work on it. I can help make my head move back on my spine and my chest move forward and stand taller. I know I carry my stress in my shoulder blades. I have knots there that have spasmed before. Massage therapists have commented about my cement muscles and my knots. I know my sensitivity is housed in my muscles.

That's the biggest surprise of my training. Not that I'm getting in shape. But that I'm digging into muscle and releasing pain and stress and whatever else is hiding in there and it's a fibromyalgia miracle treatment.

So I am walking taller now. But I am walking taller figuratively, too. This year, right in the nick of time, my life coach helped me learn that I really can be myself and not worry about what other people think or say.

It's easy to know that intellectually, but to really believe it and live it isn't always as easy. For some reason, people seem to always tell me that I should try to back off a little and not show my big heart to people for fear that it may scare them off or it may be too much for them.

If I have to back off in order for you to like me, then you are not worth liking. If you want me to back off, then I don't want you to like me anyway. If you like me, then you get my big heart. You get me. I accept all of you. You should accept all of me. Or I'll back way off.

I'm walking tall. Can you dig it?

Closing out 2017

2017 was a year filled with surprises. I usually hate surprises. I mean hate surprises. Though I generally think of surprises as things that are sprung on me that I have no control over that cause a lot of spotlight on me. These things were maybe more unexpected cool things that just happened or decisions I made that I didn't see coming. And I definitely did not hate them!

I started the year decluttering my closets and getting rid of things and focusing on the present moment.

Surprise. My apartment building decided to renovate and raise prices and kick people out. I found that out from a neighbor.

Surprise. My brother decided to buy a condo for me and renovate it and rent it out to me. He bought it in March and it would be renovated and ready by July when my lease would be up.

Surprise. In March I decided to lose weight. It actually worked. I started losing about 2 pounds a week. I found a great yoga studio that I have been able to go back to time and time again because I always need yoga to be grounded. Yoga is so important and I always need to return to it. It's a great studio. I went in April a little and I'm going back again now once a week. They also have cool gong meditations from time to time.

Surprise. Season 7 of The Walking Dead ended and, after 2 years of really being engrossed in it, I decided to end my time writing for Undead Walking and running their Twitter and really focus on myself and my move and my body.

By the time my apartment was ready I had very little to move that I didn't need or love. I absolutely adore my new place. I feel like a princess here! A tomboy, casual princess, but you get the idea!  It's so uncluttered and clear and clean and bright and happy.

Surprise. August. I decided I was ready to move my body more and do some yoga and workout a little. I met Khris, my personal trainer and life coach. Biggest surprise ever!! I gained a genuine friend and soul connection, which I don't do very easily or often, and my pain almost disappeared. I work hard and rest hard and I feel more connected to life than I have in years.

Surprise. I learned all sorts of valuable lessons all through the year during all of these times I've spent with my family and friends and by myself.

Going into 2018, I expect to continue to get stronger and, hopefully, lose some more weight. I expect to gain a little more energy as I focus on living in the present. Other than that, I plan to be open to more unexpected gifts and lessons.