Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder: Namaste

Breath, Pain and Serendipity

Training today was so much fun after being away from Khris for 10 whole days, while he was on vacation. I still worked out and did yoga while he was gone, but training is different.

Breaks are always helpful to put things in perspective and to give people fresh starts. This was the first time I had a break from Khris since last August. I missed him like crazy even though we still texted a little and posted on social media.

We had a good training session. I usually just do what I'm told and I don't ask a lot of questions or say a lot. But I remember once, Khris told me to ask him questions and tell him what's going on. I just don't like to complain or make it seem like I'm trying to distract, delay or lollygag.

Breath

Today we focused on some breathing with some of the movements and how it helped. I needed to inhale, brace and then exhale. I mentioned how I have bad breathing technique in yoga. When we are supposed to breathe into the belly, I have a hard time getting the breath down there.

As I demonstrated while explaining, Khris saw the problem right away. I try to inhale and then get the air to reach my belly. It doesn't work that way. You have to start your inhale from the belly. I still need to practice, but that helps me now. The way they explain it in yoga and meditation, confuses me; it sounds like they want the belly to rise last.

Pain

It's the little things. It's always the little things. Then he had me do several exercises and instead of focusing on the usual things, he focused on the breath. The inhale, brace and exhale. Clever, he is! During one exercise I mentioned where I felt the pain in my elbow. I knew he knew I had been icing my elbow.

He told me to keep icing it and to even use heat and knead the tendon when it was warm. I'm not a stranger to pain. It's interesting to have pain that is localized and has a cause. We talked about pain associated with training. He talked about how he trains us like athletes. That icing and foam rolling are good things to address the pain.

Not all pain is to be feared or babied. This kind of pain needs to be addressed. If you leave it alone, it gets comfortable. By icing it and heating it and kneading it, you're telling it that you don't want it there. You're telling it to get out.

We talked about some stuff I do in the classes. He has helped me get through the classes in many ways. These classes are different from the classes I was used to at my gyms or on DVDs. They are more training based and less follow the rhythm and pace of the instructor based. I was used to following steps.

These classes are circuit based and do one minute of things and don't have steps or rhythm at all. I have had to figure out how to pace myself because I tend to follow the music and sometimes that makes me go too fast, so  I have been using light weights. Khris told me today, no more light weights. He said use the 8 pound weights instead of the 5 pound weights and just follow my own rhythm.

He said if I have to take a break, take a break. If I have to go to half the beat, go to half the beat. I need to make up my own beat and inhale, brace, and exhale. If I pay attention to the inhale, brace, exhale, I can go at any rhythm and still be okay.  That's how you get better and challenge yourself.  I've added a riser to the step. Now I need to add extra weight. Just add extra little bits a little at a time.

That's the way I've attacked everything over the last year and a half. Just taking things a little at a time. Adding and changing things a little at a time. It really is the best way that makes things change and stay changed for the long-term. I really have felt so at ease during this whole process. I have felt confident. I haven't felt tortured or worried that I would backslide.

Serendipity! 

When Khris returned I had a gift for him and he had a gift for me. We both gave each other crystals. Stones. And we both had the information about the stones for each other.

Namaste: the light in me honors the light in you!

Even though I didn't go on vacation, I feel the light from your vacation, Khris! It's so good to have you back and I'm looking forward to summer with you! 

Sensitivity

When I'm in yoga i realize how much we are in need of being aware of and using our senses better in our current culture and times. We are a very visual culture but we are also a very overloaded culture. We are the culture of multitasking and the culture of over-sensitivity.

It's ironic for me to talk about being oversensitive because I am extremely sensitive. But my sensitivity is a different type. I'm sensitive in the true sense. I am not selfishly sensitive in the sense of being offended about things and thinking that society should be tailored to my needs and wants. I think that's what people mean by sensitive now.

I am sensitive as in emotional.  Sensitive to feelings, sensitive to my surroundings, sensitive to sounds, sensitive to smells, sensitive to pain, sensitive to words, sensitive to light, to textures, to conflict, to stimulation, to provocation, proximity and intensity.

I believe the senses that we are under-using, underestimating, and undervaluing  to some degree are sound, smell and touch. We have lots of sounds surrounding us, distracting us, even assaulting us, but the lack of sound and soft sounds are missing. Even in yoga, people seem to always want music. That was one of the first questions one of the students asked the new yoga teacher when she arrived--did she ever use music.

She does use it, but only at the beginning during the slowing down of the breath and at the end during shivasana. During the practice, there is no music, and I love it. It's not necessary. There is enough to do just listening to her cues and focusing on the breath and the movement and how we feel. Once you have done the class a few times, you don't even notice that there is no music. The silence is part of the beauty of the class.

Then when you're in shivasana and receiving the benefits of the practice you just did, the music is even more relaxing and special. It's not just background noise that has been there all along. It is deliberate rhythm and chanting sounds to help you relax, release and ground yourself.

I feel the same way when I hike. I never use headphones when I'm in the woods hiking. The silence and the sounds of nature are the music. Music is nice for the gym or classes, but out in nature, nature is the music. We are surrounded by so much noise from the news and even social media and internet input, that lack of noise is more important than ever now to help our brains realize that everything is not so awful or urgent or desperate all the time.

Smell is something that is very underestimated. When I was teaching, I was very deliberately attentive to smells in my classroom. Sometimes it was with inexpensive gel air fresheners. Sometimes it was with the melted wax warmers. The smells were something that was commented on as much as my decorations.

I had students from other classes come in my room all the time and just inhale and say how it smelled so good in my room. I used fruit smells, in the spring and at the beginning of the school year when it was still summer. I used warm vanilla and spice smells in the fall and hot cocoa smells and cinnamon smells in the winter.

One year I had those pine cones that smell like cinnamon in baskets all over the room. I had many boys come and hold the pine cones to their noses and smell them every day before class or during class. When I would tell them they could take one, their eyes would light up and they would put one in their backpack.

Our yoga teacher puts essential oils on her hands and walks around during shivasana and holds them above our noses. We breathe them in. Then she pushes our shoulders down. That small event is something I look forward to every class. When she comes around. I take a deep breath to inhale the beautiful scent.

That touch is wonderful, too. Hands on adjustments are such a pleasant part of yoga. People are so afraid of touch now with all the inappropriate touch, that real, appropriate and loving touch is so lacking in our culture.

I was never afraid of touching my students appropriately. I know what appropriate is and so do they. They needed it. I grew up in a family that didn't touch. It's something I lack. There are ways to show love and compassion without touch, but touch is an important sense that needs to be used.

There are people who are really very natural and good at it. I've had several yoga teachers who were good at it. My trainer, Khris, is very good at it. There are ways to incorporate touch into your life. Yoga, massage, baking, crafts, art, petting animals, dry-brushing, crystals, manicures, pedicures, skincare, haircare, etc.

Maybe I need to reframe the word sensitivity and think of it as awakening my senses. So instead of thinking about how I am overwhelmed by certain things and I am too sensitive, I should think about what other senses I need to enhance and awaken so that I become more balanced and less overwhelmed and perfectly sensitive.

Jumping for Joy: My Trainer is Tricky!

The other day while waiting for yoga, I was witness to the cutest thing ever in the training area. Khris was training an older lady and he told her he was going to have her do one box jump. First he had her do step ups on the step with several risers. Then he took the risers out and just left it really low.

He talked her through it and stood in front of her. She asked if she could hold his hands. He said yes, but told her she wouldn't need them. She jumped, but she really just stepped up one foot at a time really fast and they both laughed. Khris said, I held your hands for that!?!

She walked back behind the step to try again! He talked her through it and she did it. She said, that was loud. He said, yes, but you did it. She walked back behind the step to try again! He talked her through how to land lighter. She did it. And it was lighter.

She walked back behind the step to try again! He told her a few things, but she just tried again and it was even lighter. They were both smiling, laughing and talking, and I was smiling watching. I had just watched him trick her into doing 4 box jumps when he said he just wanted her to try one.

I was smiling because it was so adorable, but also because I recognized his trickery! I have been a party to that trickery!!

When I first signed up for training I told Khris that I couldn't do anything high impact. I remember being worried that a trainer would push me too hard and I wouldn't be able to handle it. Back then I was very fragile in every way that you can be fragile.

In all honesty, even when I wasn't in the most pain in my life, I never liked high impact things. I never liked jumping. The only high impact thing I ever liked or did was with forward motion. I loved sprinting and hurdles. But I never liked anything with jumping from scratch like in volleyball or jump rope or jumping jacks, etc.

The only time I seemed to be able to do high impact things was in water aerobics or on the mini-trampoline. I need some kind of cushion or something. Anyway, I'm getting distracted.

I remember the first thing Khris tricked me into doing was the burpee. He started me with the BOSU and had me step back and jump in. He talked me through it the way he talked that lady through her box jumps. He talks you through it in such a way that you can't even think of not doing it. You just do it.

You do it no matter how much you think you don't want to do it. You do it no matter how terrible it turns out. You do it again because you want the first awful one to get better. Then you do it again because you realize you can do it even better. Then Khris will give you a modification or something that will make it turn out even better.

For me and the BOSU burpee, that modification turned out to be making my feet land far apart-wider. It wasn't as pretty, but it helped me land steady and feel confident and made them fun. It made me want to do more. And just like that, I was doing burpees. Damn. He tricked me!!!

I still can't find whatever it takes to do the burpee with my hands on the floor. I can't propel myself back. I can do it with my hands on a step or on a BOSU, but not with my hands on the floor.

But he still tricks me. He tells me I can and to just land short. I hate them. But I try. I will get them somehow. It will probably take me a year or so, but I'll get them.

He's tricked me into doing jump squats. He's tricked me into doing box jumps. He's tricked me into doing mountain climbers and jogging. But I trust him. I know he wouldn't trick me into something if he didn't think I could do it.

One day he walked back to the training area with a jump rope in his hand. I didn't say anything and we didn't do anything with it. But I haven't forgotten that. Maybe one day I'll be jumping rope for joy! Even just for one jump!

Yay for Yoga at the Gym!

Better late than never! I joined the gym last year to get yoga for cheaper than going to the yoga studio. But when I finally went to the gym with my yoga mat, there was a sign on the window that the yoga teacher had suddenly quit. That was the day I met Khris and signed up for personal training and my life changed so all in all things went the way they were supposed to go!

Then I went back to the yoga studio every once in a while on Wednesdays. The gym got a yoga teacher once for about 5 minutes. I went once and she was okay, but she didn't last long so it didn't matter. I love Samantha at the studio on Wednesdays, but I seemed to have dentist appointments and other things come up on Wednesdays that kept me away from yoga during the last few months. 

Then suddenly the gym got a new yoga teacher! And she has several classes throughout the week. Free yoga! I've started doing yoga again. And it's great! It's so centering and relaxing and destressing and magic! And this yoga teacher is lovely. And very yoga! I love yoga. I want yoga. I don't want gym yoga without the yoga. I want the Sanskrit words mixed in. I want the focus on the breath. I want yoga, damn it! 

This yoga teacher starts with a good minute or two centering and focusing on the breath. She also does one of my favorite things. She allows time to set an intention and she does an ohm. We don't have to join her, but most of the people do. It's such a nice vibration in the room. We end our practice with an ohm as well. 

It's the little things in yoga and in life that make things nice. She does adjustments and highlights options, modifications and the use of props . She stresses that we access 80% level of our poses and go for sensation and not pain. 

During shivasana, she comes around and holds her hands, which are scented with essential oils,  above our faces so we may breathe in the loveliness. She presses on our shoulders or lightly massages our arms for a moment or presses on our foreheads for just a split second. 

Never underestimate the little things in life! Yay for yoga! 

Why I'm Glad I Did Yoga Even When I Was Big

Yoga is magic.  I love yoga. The first yoga I ever did was in my living room in my apartment in Chicago on Clark Street with a video tape. It was the most gorgeous yoga video tape on a beach. I fell in love. I became crunchy.

I started finding more yoga tapes and reading yoga magazines and adding yoga to my step aerobics at Bally's and my guts and butts class at the dive gym down the street.

I secretly thought I was the shit living in the city by myself and walking everywhere and going to the art theaters and walking by the lake and through the zoo every day in the summer. I was my own kind of crunchy.  (I still am!)

When you do yoga, no matter what your size or your flexibility, you become more body aware. You become more present. You walk taller. You breathe better. You want to eat better. You become more aware of very subtle things.

When I was different sizes, I was able to make different modifications to do different poses. I learned to lift my stomach to do twists. I realize now that I'm not much more flexible or open in my hamstrings or my hips at different weights.  I was never very flexible; I always modified for tight hamstrings, but I am much stronger in my warrior poses now.

When I was in Jenny's class at a heavy weight, I breathed through and modified through some strength and balance poses that some of the smaller girls couldn't do.

I worked on crow pose every week and eventually got it. It was harder for me because I was balancing a lot of weight on my arms. I remember getting bruises on the backs of my triceps when I first started. I also remember falling forward onto my forehead, which she said was good because I wasn't afraid to lift my feet off the floor.

I remember trying to get to crow off the blocks from a squat and that seemed easier to me even though it was a harder modification for some people. Today in our yoga class, we did a squat with flat feet, which I can never do, but the teacher showed us how to use 2 blocks under our butts and that can make your feet flat.

Then she said, if we wanted to try and it was available in our practice (a lovely yoga phrasing), we could move forward and try crow. I just put my hands in front of me and I went right into crow and balanced like it was nothing. Inside my head I was smiling like a big goof ball.

I remember going to a yoga conference at a hotel in Itasca with all the big fancy names in yoga. It was such a great learning experience for me. I went to a vinyasa class with Seane Corn. It was no joke. I modified, of course, and I went to child's pose as they tell you to when my breath couldn't match my movement.

When I was in child's pose one of the teachers who was walking around came over to me and did a hands-on adjustment massage on my back. It was like an affirmation to me that I was doing what was respectful for my body instead of trying to compete.

I went to a hip openers for meditation with Rodney Yee. The two things that I remember most from that session was that he said that the purpose of yoga is to prepare your body for meditation. It is to open your body enough to allow it to sit quietly without fidgeting when meditating.

He also said that in some ways beginners have it better in yoga because they don't have to do as much to get to the sensation as someone who is more flexible. So beginners shouldn't be upset that they can't do the advanced poses, they should just be happy that they can reach the sensation when they reach it and do the pose with integrity.

I'm paraphrasing his words, but I like that idea. I've always listened to exercise and yoga teachers about good form. I always want to use good form and not try to force something. Doing yoga and other exercises when I was heavier taught me to modify and not judge. I'd rather have good form and modify than be sloppy.

Doing yoga when I was bigger also allowed me to feel small movements that you don't see. I learned to use props. Now I really use props to my benefit still. I understand how props work and that they are not just for beginners. They are an important part of anyone's practice. Doing yoga at all sizes and fitness levels allowed me to feel what poses were supposed to feel like. Now sometimes what I felt, I can see in a different way.

Triangle pose has always been a challenging pose for me. I've always tried to really feel it. Teachers really stress not bending forward and getting out of the same "plane" in triangle. If you let yourself try to bend too far, you will do that.

As I've lost weight and gotten stronger, I am starting to see in my triangle what I felt in it before. It's a nice feeling. I'm not able to reach or bend any farther down. I'm not any more flexible. I just see what I feel.

Not every pose or everything in yoga is available all the time. But something in yoga is always available!

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Letting Go

Fibromyalgia is a mysterious condition. Many people don't even think it's real. It gets made fun of by families of people who have it. It gets made fun of by doctors. It gets made fun of by people on the internet. People are told it's all in your head. People are told they are faking it.

We are known as complainers and whiners. We are given all sorts of advice about what we need to do ranging from suck it up to push yourself to vitamins to lose weight to gluten-free diets to Mucinex to stress relief.

I have some thoughts and beliefs about Fibro that are not scientific; they are what I believe is true for me. It may not be true for others, but I have seen it in me and I have seen some common themes in people who have Fibro.

I believe I have had it my entire life to some degree. I think stress and the cummulative nature of life brought it to a very acute and debilitating stage a few years ago, but I think it was always in my body.

I was always a tired person and my body always hurt. I never stayed up late like the other kids. As a silly example, I remember the movie The Ten Commandments. I never could see the end of it because it was on until 11 pm from 6 pm. I always fell asleep.

In school, I always went to bed early and I always had a hard time getting up in the morning and I was always tired in school all day every day. I never remember feeling rested. I remember distinctly telling myself to go to sleep when Johnny Carson was on because I would be tired the next day. But I was still tired. I would take naps after school in my school clothes because I was so tired.

I also believe that people with Fibro are sensitive. Sensitive to the point of being empaths. We take in the emotions of the room. Many people with Fibro have abuse in their childhoods. I do not. However, I grew up with an alcoholic father and a very codependent mother. I craved attention that was unavailable to me.

Alcoholics are very selfish by nature. My dad used to want me in the room with him, but he didn't want to talk. He would literally say, "Suz, don't talk a lot."

My mother is the worst listener on the planet. It's not her fault. She grew up with alcoholics and married an alcoholic. She trained herself to tune people out. Whenever I would try to talk to my dad, and he would say antagonistic things, she would tell me, he's drunk, don't listen to him; tune him out.

My brothers were fun to be around, but they had their own friends as they got older and went out more. I was a loner and stayed home more.

Life was never relaxed. It was nice, but it revolved around my dad. Tiptoeing around him and how he would react to things. I realize now that where I found fun was in 2 places. With food and in my room with music dancing. Those were 2 places I felt loved and free. I was always a skinny kid so food never seemed like problem back then. Although digestively, and emotionally it was.

I believe that what a Fibro body does is store your stress and tension in your muscles. Your body helps you and hurts you at the same time. It takes all its empathy and sensitivity and it has your organs and systems like your digestive system and your muscular/skeletal system and even your sleep try to compensate for all of the stimulation that you are getting.

Your systems are getting overloaded and overstimulated and they try to help you in any way they can figure out to help you. They clench, they block, they shut down, they get sick, they scream, they get your attention or they become invisible.

I never got sick in the normal way. Whenever I got sick as a kid or an adult, I got sick in a spectacular way. I got 3 week ear infections or 18 day shingles.

I developed coping mechanisms for shutting out stimulation that I didn't even know I did. I always sit facing away from the door so I don't see all the people coming in and out. I don't watch the news.

As I am making improvements with my training, I'm learning more about my Fibro. I would love nothing more than to not have it, but I do.

It's so much better now and I'm managing it better, but I have an irrational fear of people thinking, "See, you were just fat, you didn't really have Fibro. You just needed to lose weight."

But it's so much more than losing weight. I still have pain underneath; it's still there. It just doesn't radiate to the outer layers of muscle, which makes it feel so much better. So much better! That didn't happen when I lost a lot of weight. It didn't happen until I started training.

The training is also doing something that I don't think happens with everyone who trains. It's releasing emotional pain. I believe really old emotional pain.  And it's doing that in stages. It happened quite a bit when I first started training. It was shocking back then.

It happened again a few months later. And it's happening again now. For some reason I thought Khris made the workouts harder in these times. But I think it's my body. I asked Khris if things got harder last week. He said they always get progressively harder. So I think my body just decided that it's time to let go again so it seems harder to me.

He said I should always come in everyday wondering if I will make it through the workout. That's good for me to know. I actually do think that mentally; I love pushing my body in training,  but there comes a time every few months that my body decides to let go of some new things.

It decides to shed some more. I get extra tired after the workouts. I get extra weak during the workout. I get sore. My body just doesn't feel right.

I let go of lots of tears of joy, and tears that I don't know what they are from in the locker room and in the car and at home during those weeks.

I may come into my workouts wondering if I'll make it through, but I have no doubt that I will make it through my new way of being this time because I am completely letting go. I feel as free in my workouts as when I was in my room dancing as a kid. And I feel as loved eating good food now as I did eating bad foods before. I have never let go this much before. Keep opening up muscles!! I'm ready!

My Fibro Whisperer

There used to be a commercial for a perfume with the slogan, If you want to capture someone's attention, whisper. Whispers are soft. Whispers are private. You have to pay attention to hear a whisper. Whispers communicate without assuming, presuming or overpowering.

We know the idea of the horse whisperer and the dog whisperer who train and communicate with animals through compassionate methods. They calm, tame and encourage. They train with love. With their presence.

My trainer is my Fibro Whisperer. He has tamed, and calmed my Fibro through his compassion and encouragement. With his love. With his presence.

Now, don't get it twisted. Khris is extremely demanding. That's a key part of the equation. But that's the only part that most people think about needing in a trainer--the stereotype of a drill-sergeant trainer. No, no, no. That's not what we have here. KBuddah is different.

Today we did a tough workout, but it included a few good new lessons: Patience and patience.

The first patience was a reminder lesson. Doing challenging push ups with knee tucks on sliders, I was reminded that I can take breaks or do whatever is necessary to be able to do them perfectly. It's better to take breaks than to worry about doing them without breaks and do them quickly with bad form. I only had to do 3 of them. It's important to try challenging things and do them well even if you only do a few. It builds patience and persistence.

The second patience was the opposite. I did some therapy on the foam roller to help my back, my posture and my knots. This patience was to relax and let things happen at their own pace. To not force. To just let my body find its way and let go. It's important to let your body open up on its own. To give it time.

I went to the doctor recently and she was amazed at my improvements because of my training. Fibro is a mysterious condition. She has recommended to her patients that they try training and tells them about me. We talked about how it is the deep muscle work that is the important part.

My training has been pretty miraculous. I look forward to even more improvements. The muscle work has really made a huge difference. But my Fibro Whisperer has made the real difference.

Fibromyalgia and Training